I Can Pee WHERE?!

I feel the need to warn you all about the content of this post. In it I talk a lot about poop and pee. And not poop and pee from a child, but from ME. I know! Adult poop and pee stories aren't cute like a child's poop and pee story. So what's wrong with me? Why am I sharing it? And on the WORLD WIDE WEB no less?! Well, it's all because of this odd dream I had last night that brought to mind another time I had "issues" of this nature ... Read on if you dare, but please do so without judging. I did try to warn you.

One more thing before I continue: I would just like to apologize to my mother and to my husband, who will no doubt be mortified by this post.

Okay, so I had the weirdest dream last night. I was in college and getting ready for a date when I realized that I had to go #2 (Yes, POOP.) I wasn't sure there would be enough time to successfully "eliminate" before my date arrived, so I was in this panic mode, trying to get 'er done as quickly as possible. I went into the master bathroom, but was unable to produce anything. Not good. So I thought to myself, "I'll bet this bathroom is the problem. I'll go to the other one." The main bathroom wasn't any better. I was still unable to void (I've always hated the word "void" when used for this bodily function. So naturally I'm using it here.) In my oh-so-rational-dream-thought-process, I figured I should try yet a third bathroom. So I did, but STILL NOTHING. It's not like I was constipated, I just couldn't relax enough to, as my friend would say, "release the crease".

That's when I woke up.

That's also when I realized how thankful I was that I had not been successful in my efforts to defecate while dreaming because, hello? What kind of bed mess would THAT have been @ 4:30 in the morning?!

Exactly.

Alright, so that dream reminded me of childbirth. Well, not of childbirth, but more of what happened to me soon after childbirth.

It had been a couple hours since the delivery, and I remember the nurse coming in and telling me that I needed to try and urinate as soon as I felt the urge.

Sure, no problem.

And then she said something that had NEVER been said to me before:

Nurse: "You know, you could even go in the bed if you want to. There are bed liners, so if that's what you choose to do, just let me know when you're done."

Me: "You mean I have permission to wet the bed?!"

Nurse: "Yep."

Me: "I am so gonna' do that."

Nurse: "Okay, but just be forewarned that some people can't do it."

Me: "Seriously?"

Nurse: "Yeah, it's like their brain won't let them."

Me: "I'll give it my best shot."

Nurse: "Good luck."

So that was the plan. I mean, who wouldn't wet the bed if given permission, knowing that once they did, someone else would clean it up? It was a no-brainer.

Guess what? She was right! I couldn't do it. I tried and I tried, but it was like the 30+ years of NOT being allowed to do it suddenly had a death grip on my bladder.

So not fair.