Friday, August 31, 2012

Impaired Parenting

It was a day that was doomed from the start.  

I woke up late (after hitting the snooze 9 times.)  When I finally got out of bed, I was greeted with a headache and crampy-bloated-ickyness.  I swear, moms should get at least one "Get Out Of Jail Free" card a month, because there are days like this where you shouldn't have to interact with ANYONE, let alone CHILDREN.  

When I asked Meg what she wanted for breakfast, she said, "Cinnamon toast." When I asked her if she wanted 1 slice or 2, she said, "One." Perfect.

I dragged myself to the kitchen and made her TWO slices of cinnamon toast, because that's what she usually requests, and let's face it - I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to hear what she wanted anyway.

Once I realized my mistake, I asked Amanda if SHE would like cinnamon toast for breakfast, because if  she DID, I'd be done making breakfast for the day!!

So much for THAT idea. She said "No, my stomach hurts."  Fine. And my stomach hurts too, btw, but I still get to make everyone breakfast!! WHATEVER!!  So I ate the extra slice of cinnamon toast myself!!

Ten minutes later I asked Amanda if anything sounded good for breakfast, and she said, "I guess I'll have cinnamon toast."

WHAT?!?!?!  UUGGHHH!!!!

Meg walked by just in time to hear my slightly loud over-reaction to Amanda's breakfast choice ...

Megan:  Is it hard to be a mom?

Me:  Yes!! Can't you tell by my LOUD SIGHING?!

Cause I'm pretty sure I did it right.

Here's the thing, adults are not allowed to Drive While Intoxicated. So why are moms expected to Mother While Menstruating?!  It's just as dangerous. Peoples lives are at stake.  Little people!!  There needs to be a law ...


Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Play Dates

This is something that's been on my mind for a while now. More specifically, for the past 11 years.

What is it about "Play Dates" that make me cringe? Why can't I embrace them like so many other moms do?

I know part of my current problem is that I work full time, and after finally leaving the office for the day, the very last thing I want is for extra kids to come home with me. Heck, I have a hard time taking my OWN kids home with me.

And yet, no matter how much I whine about it, I'm continually bombarded by my girls who insist on begging for play dates with their friends.

Now sometimes the girls are invited to go to their friend's houses after school, and THAT works out pretty well, since they'd normally have to hang out for an hour anyway. This way, when I'm ready to leave, I just swing by the PDL (play date location), collect my offspring and head home. It's almost like it never even happened.

EXCEPT for the fact that that it DID happen and NOW I OWE THAT MOM A PLAY DATE AT MY HOUSE!!

Even if the mom doesn't expect a play date at my house in return, I walk around under this cloud of guilt. I mean, how many times can I, in good conscience, send my daughters off with other mothers, knowing that even the thought of reciprocating sends my blood pressure into orbit?!

I know some of you out there absolutely love having your house be THE house that all the kids want to hang out at, and I can see, sort of, why that would be appealing. Okay, no I can't. You people are psycho. But here's the deal ... God didn't give me the gift of hospitality. I wish He had, but just ask my husband ... nothing stresses me out more than having people over. 

So why am I confessing all of this? I guess so that all of you who've never been invited over to my home will gain some kind of understanding, and that those of you who have been invited over will feel extra blessed! Or something like that.

Any other moms feelin' my pain on this? Or have I just single-handedly ostracized myself from all of my mommy friends? 

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Picture Day

Picture Day at school. What is worse, I ask you?

For those of you who have boys, I would like to say (in love), that you have NO IDEA what a nightmare Picture Day can be!

I went to bed knowing that I would have to get up even earlier than normal because both girls announced that they wanted their hair curled. And by "curled", we're talking Shirley Temple ringlets, not some soft-wave deal. This translates to at LEAST 30 minutes per girl. And if I wanted to look halfway decent for my OWN school photo ... yeah, crack of dawn here we come.

So the next morning, after doing my hair, AND Meg's hair, it was Amanda's turn. 

I started curling, and after 20 minutes had both sides done with just the back to go.

Amanda:  That looks cheesy.

Me:  What does?

Amanda:  My hair. Look at it. It looks cheesy. Can you straighten it?

Me:  Are you even serious right now?

Amanda:  Uh, yeah.

Me:  OH. MY. WORD.

Amanda:  What? I can't help it if it looks bad curly.

Me:  No, but you could have told me like 10 minutes ago!

Amanda:  Well sooorrrryyy.

Me:  You and me both.

So I spent the next 20 minutes straightening her hair, without showing even the slightest hint of irritation. Pretty sure.

And after ALL that, what do you suppose is the thanks I get?  I'll tell ya what: A CRAPPY STAFF PICTURE OF MYSELF!!  That's right,  since we're all digital and stuff now, I was able to see just how bad MY picture was ... immediately!! I would have asked to have the gal take it again, but I know they're trained to immortalize you looking your absolute worst, so why bother, right?  Right. Ugh!! 

Monday, August 27, 2012


After 2 minutes (tops), Meg emerged from the shower ...

Me:  That was fast.

Megan:  Yep. The root beer candy in my  mouth didn't even melt all the way!

Me:  Did you wash your hair?

Megan:  Yes.

Me:  Did you use any soap?

Megan:  No.

Me:  Well what exactly did you think you were supposed to do in there?

Megan:  Wash my hair!

Me:  FYI:  Next time you shower, WASH WITH SOAP.

Megan:  Put a note on the shower door.


Saturday, August 18, 2012

Nickel/Nipple ~ Potato/Potahto

Megan:  Can we go to the store today?

Me:  Which store?

Megan:  Michael's.

Me:  Why?

Megan:  I wanna get some of those Nipple Nips.

Me:  NIPPLE Nips?!

Megan:  I mean NICKEL Nips.

Me:  Oh, 'cuz I'm guessing there's a difference between the two.


Friday, August 17, 2012

You'll Know They Are Christians By Their Tats

Tonight we braved the heat at our local Farmer's Market.

While walking around ...

Megan:  Look, Mom, he must be a Christian.

Me:  Why, because he has a cross tattoo on his elbow?

Megan:  Yeah, AND a spider web on his other one.

Note to self:  Cross + Spider Web = Christian

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Awareness "Ribbons"

I'm  amazed at how Amanda has taken to friendship bracelet making. She goes on youtube and watches videos on how to make different patterns, and then just does it. She's woven chevron patterns, daisies, letters, and more.

The other day ...

Amanda:  Look at this new bracelet, it's the breast cancer fish.

Me:  It's supposed to be a ribbon, not a fish.

Amanda:  Well, it looks like a fish.

Me:  Fair enough.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Cell Phones

Megan:  When can I get a cell phone?

Me:  After Amanda, and she probably won't get one 'till at LEAST Jr. High.

Amanda:  Yeah Megan, you can't get one before I get one!

Megan:  What if I buy it with my own money?

Me:  You'd still have to pay the monthly fee, and you can't afford that.

Megan:  So if I pay the fee, can I get one?

Me:  But you CAN'T pay the fee.

Megan:  But if I can ...

And on and on it goes. We've had this same conversation everyday for a week now. It's very reminiscent of the, "Can I get a pet bunny?" post from a couple years ago. Click here if you'd like to relive THAT mind-numbing dialogue.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Home Alone 2

We tried it again. You know, leaving the girls home alone. This time for an hour. 

Before we left ...

Henry to Amanda:  Okay, what do you do in an emergency?

Amanda:  Blank stare.

Henry:  If the house is on fire, what do you do?

Amanda long pause:  I'm waiting ...

Oh my WORD!! What were we THINKING to leave her alone? EVER?!

Henry:  Grab the phone, run outside and call 911!

Amanda all nonchalant:  Okay.

Looks like we'll be employing baby-sitters for a while yet.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Home Alone

Amanda is approaching the age where she'll be able to stay home alone. I know. I can't believe it either.

We've told both girls that before that can happen, they have to prove themselves to us. Prove that they can be responsible and treat each other with respect. Meg's biggest fear of being left home alone with Amanda is that her big sister will abuse her new found authority to make her a prisoner in her own home. Actually, that's my biggest fear as well.

This morning we thought we'd make a trial run. So I drove Henry to the church where he was going to be running sound for a memorial service, and a wedding after that. The round trip drive is about 8 minutes. EIGHT MINUTES. 4 minutes into it we got a call  ...

Megan:  Amanda ate some cookie dough out of the freezer as soon as you guys left.

Me:  And ...

Megan:  And I thought I should call to tell you.

Needless to say, I rushed home ...

to makes sure Amanda had left some for me.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Stinky Stuff

Every time I sit outside watching the girls swim, our two puppies make their way to my lap. And every time they're on my lap, they lick me.

Megan:  Look Mom, Cookie's licking your toes.

Me:  I know, I can feel it.

Megan:  She loves to lick stinky stuff.

Me:  Thank you.

Friday, August 3, 2012


It was a Costco dinner night.  Henry and I were eating hot dogs.

Megan:  Hot dogs, yuck.

Me:  Oh brother.

Megan:  I'm a vegetarian.

Me:  Is that right?

Megan:  Yeah.  I'm a vegetarian who eats steak and ribs.

Hmm. Guess I'm a vegetarian too then. Good to know.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Distracted Driving

A while back, the girls and I drove over to pick Henry up from work. Amanda likes to ride shotgun, so once we arrived, she stepped outside to walk around to the backseat so Henry could sit in front.  Once Henry was in and his door shut, I put the car in drive and proceeded to roll forward. It was at that moment that I heard someone hit the outside of the back window, while Megan yelled, "Mom!! Wait for Amanda!"


So I stopped (shocking, I know) and tried to apologize, but it's hard to do that while laughing. I believe Amanda's words were, "Gee, Mom, thanks a LOT."

Amanda is now paranoid, and rightfully so, that I'll drive off without her whenever we go to pick up Henry.  So now as she exits the car, she looks at me and says, "Don't drive off without me."  I promise not to, only to hear her sister in the backseat start chanting, "Drive a-way! Drive a-way!"

Pretty sure this will end up being one of those memories that Amanda recalls in counseling someday.