Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Why God Gave Me GIRLS

I will start by stating this: My weight fluctuates. Hopefully I have some empathizers out there in blogger land.

Women: You know how you can judge your weight by your jeans? Like that pair fits if I weigh ____, and that pair fits if I weigh _____, and THAT pair will probably NEVER fit again, but just in case I ever get lucky and ingest a tapeworm, I better keep em!

Well, I tried on a pair of those jeans just now, and took a look in the mirror. They looked fine from the front, but the back looked ... odd. The denim in the very middle of my backside was darker than the rest. At first I thought it was a shadow, but another mirror told the same story. "How did this happen?" I wondered. "Do clothes fade in the closet? And if they DO, do they fade in a 3 inch vertical line like that?!" I couldn't figure it out. All I knew was that it made me look like I had either sweat profusely in between my cheeks, or worse ... had expelled some kind of bodily fluid from my lower region.

Of course, I still couldn't bring myself to discard them, so I figured I'd get a second opinion from one of my GIRLS. Yes, God knew what he was doing when he gave us girls. Even though their drama puts me right on the doorstep of INSANE 'R' US many a time, I really am thankful that Henry is the only male in our house. (Sorry Henry.)

I walked into Meg's room. She was looking at her iPad ...

Me:  You're not facetiming anyone right now, are you?

I have learned to ask this FIRST, before proceeding with a possibly embarrassing or misunderstood conversation.

Meg:  No, why?

Me:  I need you to do something for me.

Meg:  What?

Me:  Look at my rear end, and tell me if my jeans look darker in the middle of my butt.

Meg:  Okaaaay.

She looks. Bless her heart.

Meg:  Yeah, it is.

Me:  Does it look okay, or like I peed my pants?

Meg:  It looks weird. Yeah, like you peed.

ME apparently STILL not wanting to let go:  Soooo I shouldn't wear them then?

Meg:  NO!!!

Me:  Okay, okay. Thanks ... and ... sorry, I know that was awkward.

Meg:  It was.

So yeah, thankful I have girls. Brutally honest girls perhaps, but girls nonetheless.

Now here's the kicker:  I didn't throw out the jeans.  I KNOW!!!  I actually hung them BACK UP IN THE CLOSET!!! 

Oh my WORD. WHAT is WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!?

I need some serious help.

OR ... someone's Bedazzler, so I can cover up the dark stripe with RHINESTONES!!! Come on!! Who's with me?!