Monday, September 22, 2014

"Super" Psycho Sisters

I have a sister, so I get it. Still, the behavior of my daughters can be so incredibly RIDICULOUS, that I often find myself just standing with my mouth open in disbelief.

Here's the most recent, fresh-in-my-baffled-mind example from this morning.

I don't know about any of you other parents out there, but there have been times when I've accidentally mixed up some of my girls' folded laundry. Meaning, I've put something of Amanda's in Megan's room and vice versa.

Apparently I did that over the weekend with a Superman t-shirt.

I washed the laundry. I folded the laundry. I distributed the laundry.

Next thing I know, Amanda comes out wearing the Superman t-shirt ...

Amanda: I like this. It fits me better than it does Megan.

Me: Oh, is that not yours?

Amanda: It is NOW, because YOU put it in MY room.

Before I can respond to how absurd her comment is, Megan walks in, takes one look at Amanda, and asks: Why is she wearing MY shirt?!

Me: Because I forgot whose it was and put it in Amanda's room by mistake, sorry.

Megan: Take it off.

Amanda: No.

Megan: TAKE IT OFF!!

Me: We need to leave. She'll wear it tonight, then I'll wash it and give it back to you.

This did NOT make Megan happy, but she somehow managed to be civil for the rest of the evening.

The next morning (which would be TODAY) Megan tells me that she wants to wear the Superman shirt. I tell her that it's not clean, and to wait until I've washed it. She says she doesn't care that it's dirty, and barges into Amanda's room where she grabs it and runs back to her room while Amanda chases her, screaming my name. I tell Amanda to calm down, because it's really Megan's shirt anyway, but that doesn't help.

The girls waste a good 10 minutes yelling at each other, which is perfect because we're already like 15 minutes late, so why not spend a little extra time screaming at each other?

As we're finally ready to walk out the door, I take a look at Megan's shirt, and see that it's NOT the Superman shirt!! ARE YOU EVEN KIDDING ME???

Me: Megan, why aren't you wearing the Superman shirt?

Megan: Because I wanted to wear THIS one.

I so give up.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

It's Official: I'm Old

I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but I think I got old.

I'm less than two weeks away from my 45th birthday, and have noticed stuff happening that I thought for SURE wouldn't come knocking until I reached my eighties.

I'm also realizing now, that I may have made some snap judgements back in my crazy, carefree youth. Judgements about senior citizens that I should have let slide, or at least investigated a bit further before writing them off as senile or too old to care.

Here are just a few of those hastily formed opinions, as well as the flip sided mature discoveries ...

Younger Me's Snap Judgement:
If you tell me a story more than once, because you've forgotten that you've told me already, you're old.

Middle-Aged Me's Realization:
When you have a great story to tell, you tell anyone and everyone who will listen. Sometimes days, weeks or months will go by before you have another opportunity to tell that story. When you finally do get that chance, you might hear yourself opening with, "Have I told you this already?" It used to drive me nuts when my mom would ask that question, but sadly, I totally get it now. Sorry, Mom.

Snap Judgement:
If you're a woman with big ankles, it's probably because you don't exercise and have given up on life.

There's actually medication out there that has ankle swelling as a side effect!! What?? It's TRUE. When I was diagnosed with hypertension (gotta love genetics), I started the journey of trying to find a blood pressure medication that would help lower my BP without debilitating side effects. The first one made me cough for 6 weeks. The second one made my ankles swell like elephants. The third one was PERFECT, but didn't come in a generic, so the search continued. Finally, when the fourth one only made my ankles swell 25%, we decided that that was as good as it was gonna get.

Snap Judgement:
Old people don't take care of their feet, and that's why their toes and toe nails get all weird and twisted.

Toes (and their nails) have a mind of their own!! Oh my WORD, what's the deal with these TOES?! A couple years ago, while giving myself one of my regular pedicures (because I take CARE of my feet), I noticed a callus on the bottom of my toe. I couldn't figure out why the callus had developed on that toe, but none of the others. UNTIL I realized that THAT toe had begun to slowly twist to the left. That's right. While all of the other toes lay flat, the one next to the Thumb Toe (as my daughter used to call it) is gradually leaning in to the left.

Now I know you can't get the full effect from this photo, and you probably think I'm exaggerating, but trust me. The gradual turning of this toe has not only caused a callus underneath, but the NAIL is now all thick and horn-like. WHAT IN THE WORLD??? What's next, a wart on the end of my nose?! Honestly.

Snap Judgement:
Old people have weird smelling pee.

If I eat a lot of garlic, the next day my pee smells like my grandma's!! All this time I thought it was just Old People Pee smell, but as I think back, I remember that my grandma took garlic supplements every stinkin' day!! 

Snap Judgement:
Only old people forget why they walk into a room.

It's so, so, very, very easy to get distracted on your way to the place where you were going to do ... something.

True Life Example FROM TONIGHT:

While sitting in the front room, I realized I was thirsty. I headed to the kitchen for a glass of water. On the way, I saw Megan's empty ice cream dish on the table. I picked up the dish and heard the dogs whining at the sliding glass door which meant they were hungry. I put the dish in the sink and filled it with water. I then thought to myself, "Now why did I come in here?" I couldn't for the life of me remember. So then I thought, "I wonder if I have enough iced tea made for tomorrow?"  As I turned to the fridge to check, I heard the dogs whining again and thought, "Oh, that's right. I need to get them some food." I walked into the laundry room and got the food. I went outside to feed and pet them. I came back inside and washed my hands. I headed back to the front room where I sat down and realized I was thirsty. Ugh. WATER. THAT'S why I went into the kitchen. I headed back into the kitchen, grabbed a glass, filled it with water and thought, "I wonder if I have enough iced tea made for tomorrow?"  I recognized that this thought was not new, just forgotten. I opened the fridge, saw that I was almost out of tea and made some more.

Black Dot = Ice Cream Dish

Left Arrow = Whining Dogs

X = Location of Water & Iced Tea

Forward Arrow = Dog Food


There's so much more I could say about this ... like how horrified my daughters are when they see a hair (I said hair, not whisker) growing out of my chin. They want to know how I could leave the house in such a state?! And all I can think of is how thankful I am that I remembered to blend in the concealer under my eyes, which I may or may not have forgotten to do once or twice before.

If you ask my daughters, or any other kid in their twenties ... they'd probably look at me and call me old, and I guess they'd be right. I mean, I just called someone in their twenties a KID. 

Oy vey.