Monday, September 24, 2012

Prayer Posture

I don't know about you, but I close my eyes when I pray. It's how I was taught, and quite frankly, it's much easier to stay focused on your prayer with your eyes closed anyway.

That said, I also close my eyes when I pray with my girls at bed time. I know for a fact that Megan doesn't, because often times she'll say something like, "Jesus, please help Mom to be nicer tomorrow." And upon hearing that, I'll shake my head. Then the very next thing she prays is, "And please help her to stop shaking her head." And that's about the time I start laughing and hear her say, "And please help her to stop laughing." 

Yeah. Prayers with Meg are anything but dull.

Last night I told Meg that I needed to get to bedtime prayers sooner than later because I still had to go out and do the grocery shopping afterwards.  So she began to pray ...

Dear Jesus,
Thank you for this day.
Thank you that we can be safe.
Thank you for this food.
Thank you that I'm flexible and can do this while I pray.

I took a peek and saw Meg on her back with her legs straight up in the air. I shook my head and closed my eyes again, because what else can you do? She continued ...

Please keep Mom safe at the store when she buys tampons, and make-up, and toilet paper. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

As usual, God answered her prayer and granted me a safe trek to the 3 different stores where I was able to purchase all that I needed INCLUDING FOOD, just in case anyone was wondering.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Easy Bake Crap

If there's one thing Megan can't resist, it's a food-making toy.

If there's one thing I CAN'T STAND, it's a FOOD-MAKING TOY.

Why, oh WHY do toy companies insist on creating these hard-to-operate items for children?! 

Over the last couple years, much to my chagrin, Meg has accumulated the following:

Candy Ring Maker
Cake Making/Decorating Kit 
Dippin' Dots Maker
DQ Blizzard Ice Cream Maker

Last weekend she spent some birthday money on an Easy Bake Oven.

She couldn't WAIT to make the cake pops shown on the outside of the box. And who could blame her? I mean, LOOK at them:

So we followed the 85 step directions, and were somewhat disappointed at how they compared to the promised result:

When I voiced my disgust at Easy Bake's false advertisement, Amanda was quick to point out that it was Meg's fault (what are sisters for, right?) ...

"Mom, it says right on the box, 'Quality based on skill level'."

Fine. But even so, there's NO WAY anyone is gonna' convince me that these crap cake pops are worth the $50 price tag, not to mention my SANITY.

And yes, she already has her eye on her next purchase ... a Cotton Candy Maker!! Can you EVEN imagine?!

Just kill me now.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Holy Water

Our school  is located on church property.

After school the girls have some time to kill before I'm ready to leave work for the day. Usually anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. 

Just enough time to get into mischief.

Earlier this week, Meg was hanging out with a friend, and at some point Amanda let me know that Meg had been playing in the Prayer Garden.

Yeah, probably not the most appropriate place to play.

When she made it back up to my office ...

Me:  Were you in the Prayer Garden?

Megan:  Yeah! We got money!!

Me:  Out of the fountain?!

Megan:  Yeah, that's why I'm wet.  Do I smell holy?

Me after taking a whiff:  No, actually, you smell like chlorine.

Megan completely dejected:  Oh.

Okay, and I'm just now realizing that I didn't even address the whole stealing money out of a fountain, in a PRAYER garden, ON CHURCH PROPERTY thing!! Hello??!?!?!??

I guess I was too amused that she wanted to know if she smelled "holy", that I forgot the whole parenting part of my life. I mean, that's funny, right? And what does "holy" even smell like anyway?

I know, I know ... I gotta' talk to her.  'Cause what's next? Taking a little something for herself as the offering bag is passed her way? 

Don't worry. I'm on it.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Headache "Prayers"

Last year Megan wanted one of those water bottles that doubles as a mister, because sometimes it's just not enough to drink the water ... sometimes you need to wear it as well.

So I bought it for her and within a week she'd broken the mister part of the bottle.


Now she wants another one, and since she knows I won't buy it, she's decided to use some of her birthday money. Fine.

Yesterday afternoon she begged and begged to go to Sports Authority so she could make the purchase, but since I had a terrible headache, I told her we'd have to wait until today. The problem with that? My headache decided to hang on for another 24 hours. Ugh.

When she found out we weren't going today either, you would have thought sugar had been outlawed or something. I mean, how on EARTH can you send your child to school withOUT a water bottle that MISTS?! Child abuse at it's finest.

Anyway, I apologized for my medical condition, and thought I'd heard the last of it. 

What I forgot, was that bedtime prayers were just around the corner. And we all know that that is the perfect time to "talk to God" with your mother as a captive audience.  

Her prayer was as follows ...

Dear Jesus,  

Thank you for this day. 
Thank you that everybody could be safe. 
Thank you for this food. 
Please help mom's headache to GO AWAY, because 2 things:
1) It's irritating her, and 2) It's irritating ME, because I can't go to Sports Authority!

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

And Amen. :)

Wednesday, September 12, 2012


Megan:  Mom, look at ma thongue.

Me:  What is that on there? A grape?

Megan:  Yeth, ith ma thongue cover.

Me:  Mmm kay.

Megan:  Take a picthure and put it on your blog.

Me:  Nah. That's not that funny.

Megan:  Awww.

Me:  Now what IS funny, is that fart obsession video that you said I COULDN'T put on my blog.  Can I put THAT on there instead?

Megan:  Okay.

So here it is. I laugh 'till I cry every time. Keep any eye on her face and how serious she is once she gets going (of course that changes to sheer glee {and dancing} later on.) 

I swear she's gonna' have boys lined up around the block with skills like this.

Oh ... and just because she gave me permission to post it, does NOT mean you should tell her that you saw it. Capiche? 

Monday, September 10, 2012


Amanda was trying desperately to login to some kid game website, but she couldn't remember her user name or password ...

Amanda:  Can I set up another account, Mom?

Me:  I guess.

A couple minutes pass.

Amanda:  Ugh!! All of the passwords I've tried are already taken!!

Me:  Try smellycat. (for all you Friends fans out there.)

Amanda:  Taken.

Me:  Seriously? Okay, how 'bout smellydog?

Amanda:  Taken.

Megan:  smellygrandparents?

Amanda laughing:  Taken.

Me:  toejam?

Amanda:  Gross!! Taken.

Me:  toecheese?

Amanda: Taken.

Megan:  Try megansbutt.

Amanda:  Oh. My. Gosh. TAKEN!!!

Okay, seriously?!  MEGANSBUTT was taken by someone else?!  

I don't know if I'm more appalled or disappointed.  

People are so weird.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Frozen Flatulence

Amanda LOVES pistachios, so while I was at the store today, I bought pistachio almond ice cream.  Go Me!!

Amanda:  The pistachio ice cream was AMAZING!!

Me:  Oh good.

Amanda:  Yeah, I gave Megan a taste and then I farted in the freezer.

Me:  Did I hear you right?

Amanda:  What?

Me:  You farted ... in the freezer.

Amanda:  Well I was right there ... so ... yeah.

If I hadn't been there for the 20 hours of labor, I'd swear she was adopted.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Laundry Control

Clean clothes should last longer than a week. It's too much work to not last longer than that. Of course the same could be said of all housework, I suppose.

Tonight after dinner ...

Me:  Okay, I've gotta' do some laundry.

Amanda:  Yes. You. Do.

Me:  Well if you guys would just stop wearing clothes, I wouldn't have to wash so many.

Megan:  So you want us to go to school naked?

Me:  Yeah. Is that a problem?

Megan shaking her head:  That is SO not dress code.


Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Gross Graffiti

Megan held up one of her dollar bills.


Look. Someone wrote on my dollar bill.

I looked and saw that, sure enough, some idiot had written a "B" in front of the "one" and an "R" at the end of it, so it read: BONER.

Meg:  Why did someone write that?

Me:  Good question.

Meg:  What does it mean?

Me:  Uh ...

Amanda:  Maybe they meant to write "BRB".

Me:  Oh, as in "Be Right Back"?  Yes!!  I'm sure that's what they meant. 

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Shopping for Dad

It was time to run my errands ALONE.  I love it when I get the chance to do this, because it's so rare.

But with Megan off swimming at a friend's house, Amanda asked if she could go with me. I tried to deter her by listing the many places I needed to go, but she just shrugged and said she'd go get ready.


One of our errands was to purchase new t-shirts for Henry.  So after the first 2 stops ...

Amanda:  Where are we going now?

Me:  To buy t-shirts for Dad.

Amanda:  Will we get to go on the escalator?

Me:  Yes. Unless they've changed things, men's clothing is on the 2nd floor.

We arrive and walk into the store. A store I haven't been to in at least 6-8 months, because it's at THE MALL, and I absolutely hate shopping at THE MALL.

As soon as we were in, I noticed a rack full of shirts for $5.

Me:  Hold on, Amanda. These are only $5, let me take a quick look.

Amanda:  I thought we were shopping for DAD.

Me:  We are.

So I scanned that rack, and the sales rack next to that, and found 2 shirts I wanted to try on.

Me:  Do you see the fitting room anywhere?

Amanda:  No, but why are you trying those on when we're shopping for DAD?

Me:  Because they're only $5.

We found the fitting room. I tried them on, and was disappointed. So we headed for the escalator, only to find a couple more tops on the way that might work for me.

Me:  I'm gonna' try these on real quick, and then we'll head upstairs.

Amanda:  And THEN we'll shop for DAD like you SAID we were going to?

Me:  Amanda, we ARE shopping for Dad.

Why is this such a hard concept to understand?!