Friday, April 30, 2010

Friday Night Finale

Have you ever wondered how an unfathomably full week, with school and/or church functions every night, would end? I now know ...

After attending a fantastic staff appreciation dinner and then picking up my kids from a friend's house, the girls and I headed home.

Upon pulling into the garage, Amanda opened her car door (and by car door, I mean an ultra-heavy 1980's Volvo steel trap) only to have it slam back shut on her fingers. This resulted in much crying and screaming. We went into the house to administer ice and TLC.

Upon witnessing the TLC bestowed upon her older (and now presumed favorite) sister, Megan yelled, "You care about HER more than you care about ME!!" And ran down the hallway to her room. I looked at the clock ... 10:30 p.m. ... someone's TIRED.

I finally got Amanda calmed down, only to realize that the girls had no clean jeans to wear to their choir's dress rehearsal the following morning. I grabbed some jeans out of Amanda's hamper, and then headed to Megan's room only to discover her door locked. Seriously? I knocked on the door ~ no response. I called her name ~ nothing. I looked at the clock ... 11:00 p.m. ... someone fell asleep and is now locked in her bedroom along with her dirty jeans that must be washed TONIGHT. Whose idea was motherhood anyway?

I tucked Amanda into bed, and then tried for 10 minutes to get Megan's door unlocked. I had just come to the decision that her punishment for this would be having to go to the rehearsal in stinky, dirty jeans, when I heard that glorious "click". I opened the door and there she lay, sound asleep in her clothes ~ all lights blazing. I tucked her in, turned out the lights, and put her jeans in the wash.

I looked at the clock ... 11:30 p.m. ... someone's tired.

The Distinct Pandas

Megan: Mom, today in school we got to see another movie about Henry the Lizard.

Me: Oh yeah? What was this one about?

Megan: It was about animals. All the distinct ones.

Me: The distinct ones?

Amanda: She means EXTINCT. They're EXtinct, Megan, not DIStinct.

Megan: That's what I said.

Me: What were some of extinct animals in the movie?

Megan: Pandas. They're almost all distinct.

Me: I agree, almost all Pandas ARE distinct.

Amanda: EXtinct, Mom, EXtinct!!

Me: That too, Amanda. That too.

Amanda: UGH!!

Me & Megan: :)

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


My girls have discovered RETRO TV ...


Megan: Why does he turn into that big green monster?

Henry: He's just a science experiment gone wrong.

Me: Wow. Bill Bixby is a terrible actor. Was he always that bad?

Henry: Yes. Yes he was.

Amanda (at the end of the show): Where's his car? Why is he walking down the street?

Henry: He doesn't have a car. He always walks away like that at the end of every show.

Me: Maybe he's walking to the bus stop because he's not allowed to drive.

Henry: Road rage wouldn't be good for the Incredible Hulk.

Me: Good point.

Ephesians 6:1

On the way home from school today, I quizzed Megan on her school memory verse for this week. It happens to be one of my favorites, and one that I quote often, so it isn't much work for her to recite it ...

Me: Megan, why don't you say your verse for me?

Megan: Obey your parents

Me: Children obey ...

Megan: Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

Me: Ephesians ...

Megan: Ephesians 6:1

Amanda: That's one of the best verses in the Bible.

Me: You think so? Why?

Amanda: Because it has a promise with it.

Me: And what is that promise?

Amanda: If you obey your parents, you will have a long life.

Me: Yes, there is a verse that says if you honor your mother and father, you will enjoy a long life on the earth (Ephesians 6:2).

Megan: Well I'm gonna' do that, because I want to see you as an old lady!!

Me: And why do you want to see me as an old lady?

Megan: I want to see you poop like a duck.

Why can't I just leave well enough alone?

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Meg Madness

Megan is a character, if you haven't caught on to that already. I wish I could remember all the crazy things she does throughout the day. Let's see ...

After getting out of the bath, she insisted on doing a "Dori Dance" before getting dressed. This dance consisted of her jumping around and slapping her bottom with her "paddles" (fins). The dance was accompanied by a song about Dori (a fish from the movie Nemo), but who could remember the lyrics with all that spanking going on?

Later she insisted on singing her school books to me instead of reading them.

Next Amanda wanted me to take a picture of her and the things she purchased at the 7th grader's World Market. Megan's feet kept flying into the picture frame at just the right (wrong) moment.

For dessert, Meg asked if she could have a birthday candle in her ice cream. I said, "But it's not your birthday." She said, "I know. So can I?" Okaaay. So she put a candle in her ice cream, I lighted it, then she proceeded to sing "Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday dear Megan. Happy birthday to ME!!" And yes, she made a wish and blew out the non-birthday candle.

Thanks for the laughs, Meg.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Meg the Fashionista

Get a load of the outfit Meg put together today for school. The shirt is a hand-me-down, that I honestly thought was a pajama top (I found out from the original owner today that it is not. Whew!) The jeans are floods, but with the beat-up-imitation-Ugg-boots, you'd never know it. Then there's the final touch: A cheerleading skirt over the jeans. As crazy as it sounds to say this, the word "brilliant" comes to mind. You should have seen her walking around in this get-up today. I'm telling you, she owned the ensemble. Mark my words, this girl is and will be a fashion trend setter.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Only Megan

"Megan, what's with the glove?"

"It helps with my grip."

Ask a dumb question ...

Sunday, April 18, 2010

More Meg Moments: Pimples & Death

Megan: Mom, have you ever had pimples?

Me: Yep.

Megan: How do you get 'em? Do you hit yourself?

Amanda: No, that's how you get bruises.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

While watching a TV movie, Megan saw a guy gasp and fall to the ground ...

Megan: Is that guy death?

Me: No, he isn't dead, he had a stroke.

Megan: I said, 'Is he DEATH?' Can he HEAR? That girl keeps saying his name and he's not answering.

Me: OH! You mean deaf. No, he's not deaf.

Megan: Good.

'Cuz being deaf would be worse than being dead apparently.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Commercials, Who Knew?

Today is Saturday, (aka errand-running day). The girls usually like running errands with me. Not because I'm so fun to be around (though this is true), but because if they behave themselves, they usually get a treat of some sort (kinda' sounds like I'm talking about my dogs.) They did good today, so their treat of choice was lunch @ In-N-Out, which was also a treat for ME! Bonus!! While we were there, they entertained me with their spoken thoughts ...

Amanda: Mom, are you gonna' vote YES on Prop 16?

Me: What's Prop 16?

Amanda: It will keep people from being taxed more for electricity.

Me: Oh yeah?

Amanda: Yeah. You know how they tax you for everything without asking? Well this will put a stop to that. So are you gonna' vote YES?

Me: If Prop 16 is what you say it is, I will vote YES. How do you know all this? Did they talk about it in school?

Amanda (rolls eyes): Commercials, Mom, COMMERCIALS.

Me: Right, sorry.

Megan: Mom, is your lipstick pink or red?

Me: Pink.

Amanda: It looks red.

Me: It's pink. Unless there's blood on my lips.

Amanda: Eeww! That would only happen if you're a vampire.

Me: How do YOU know about VAMPIRES?

Amanda: Hello? Vampire Diaries?

Me: That's not something you've actually seen, is it?

Amanda: Mom, COMMERCIALS!!

Me: Right, sorry (again.)

Megan: I loooove In-N-Out

Me: Me too. Why do you love it so much?

Megan: The food is awesome.

Me: Yep, it is.

Amanda: Did you know that In-N-Out existed before McDonald's?

Me: Really?

Amanda: Yeah, it says on this paper that In-N-Out started in 1948. McDonald's didn't open until 1955.

Me: And you know this how?

Amanda: MOM!

Me: Wait, I know this one ... COMMERCIALS.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Girls vs. Boys + German Shepherds

Bedtime is usally when conversations with the girls get interesting. Tonight, before brushing her teeth, Amanda was looking through my jewelry box.

Amanda: "Mom"

Me: "Yes?"

Amanda: "Girls get better rings than the boys, right?"

Me: "Are you talking about wedding rings?"

Amanda: "Yeah."

Me: "Well, the girl's ring is usually fancier, but I don't know that I would say 'better'. Why?"

Amanda: "Everyone knows that girls get better stuff than boys."

Good to know.

Soon after that, Megan came to me with a pink, plastic, beaded necklace in her mouth, covering her front teeth.

Me: "Megan, what are you doing?"

Megan: "These are my braces."

Me: "Braces?"

Megan: "Yeah. I'm a German Shepherd."

Me: "A German Shepherd with braces?"

Megan: "Uh huh. And I fart like a German Shepherd too."

Me: "Really."

Megan: "Yeah, I'm a Fart Shepherd."

That's my girl.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

It's hard to compete with a pillow.

I think I've mentioned before that Megan is difficult to wake up in the morning. She is in no way, shape, or form a "Morning Person". (Like mother, like daughter.)

Today was no different. In the past few weeks, Amanda has offered to try and help get her sister out of bed, allowing me to continue with the packing of lunches, feeding of puppies, etc.

One tactic that Amanda has found to be successful, is to remind Megan of something special that is on the agenda for that day. Something worth getting out of bed for ... something like a field trip, early release day, or hot lunch!

Amanda asked me for some ideas that might lure Megan's head off of her pillow this morning. After racking my brain, I finally remembered that the girls were getting to have a playdate at a friend's house after school, while I attended an insurance meeting (No, the insurance meeting was NOT what lured MY head off the pillow this morning!) Amanda wasn't sure that this would be enough to get Meg moving. So she thought and she thought. Then her face lit up. "Mom! I've got it! Not only do we have a playdate after school, but Megan's supposed to get a tattoo from that boy today!! Remember?!?"

"The tattoo. Right. Well, good luck with that."

The scary thing? It worked. One mention of a forthcoming tattoo was all it took to get Her Royal Tiredness out of bed. Should I be worried?

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Uh, could I have a DO-OVER please?

Mornings are hard enough when both Henry and I are home to help move the girls along towards our departure goal of 7:20 a.m. (I think we've only met this goal 3 times this school year. I'm usually backing out of the driveway around 7:40 a.m., which completely bugs!!)

Today I was on my own because Henry is out of town. (At this time I would like to applaud all single parents out there. The only reason I haven't slit my wrists yet, is because I know Henry will be home tomorrow night.)

This morning the girls actually woke up on their own, which is HUGE. (We're usually trying to coax Megan out of bed at 7 a.m.) However, somewhere between breakfast and brushing teeth, the morning went to hell in a hand basket. Here's what I can remember ...

I told Megan to make her bed, which she did, but then closed the door so I couldn't see it. So naturally, while she was in the bathroom presumably brushing her teeth, I opened her door to check the bed. She heard her door open and came completely unglued!! It was downhill (fast) from there.
We backed out of the driveway at 7:45 a.m. We live 4 minutes from campus, and the bus leaves there for Megan's campus at 7:50 a.m. Do the math!!
So yeah, I was driving a little fast to make sure Meg didn't miss the bus, and she has the audacity to tell me that I'm not supposed to drive so fast!!! (Seriously?!!) So I tried to calmly explain (through gritted teeth) that she was right. I wasn't supposed to drive so fast, but SHE was the reason I was having to!! At that she yelled, "I DON'T LIKE YOU AND I WISH YOU WEREN'T MY MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!"

And that, my friends, is when my nurturing, maternal instinct kicked into overdrive as I yelled back, "Oh yeah?!?!? WELL THAT CAN BE ARRANGED!!"

Not my best parenting moment.

Monday, April 12, 2010

She's All Girl

Amanda will have the opportunity to dress up like a cowgirl at school in a couple of weeks. She's been a little preoccupied with how she's gonna' pull it off when the only thing western she owns is a pair of pink hand-me-down cowgirl boots. Hey, if you ask me (which no one ever does, btw.) the cowgirl boots are the main attraction. Add some jeans, shirt and a bandana around yer neck, and it's time to GIDDY-UP!

Today after school Amanda had an idea about her cowgirl ensemble:

Amanda: Mom, could we go to Claire's tonight?

Me: No, why?

Amanda: Because I want to see if they have some cowgirl earrings there for my outfit.

Me: Cowgirl earrings? Are there such a thing?

Amanda: I don't know, that's what I need to find out.

Me: Shouldn't we figure out what you're going to wear with your boots, before going out and looking for earrings?

Amanda: Mom, FIRST you buy the earrings THEN you find an outfit to go with them.

Wow. I guess that girl-logic is just something we're born with, huh? I'll admit to having bought a pair of shoes before, and then searching and searching for an outfit to wear them with. But buying earrings first? I couldn't be more proud. (** sniff sniff **)

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Where does the time go?

When I got home the other day from a meeting, it was 5:30 p.m. Since I already knew that dinner was gonna' be a no-brainer (left-over pizza!), AND the girls had no homework, I felt like I had a decent amount of time before having to get the girls into bed. Wrong! I swear, not 5 minutes later I looked at the clock again and it was 7:45 p.m.!! How did that happen? Where in the world did the time go? Let's see ...

Warmed up pizza.

Ate pizza.

Cleared table/washed dishes.

Fed Dogs.

Helped Megan get paper for a comic book she wanted to make, about Easter, with Christmas Hello Kitty stickers.

Got bath ready for Amanda.

Put first tray (of 5) cookies in the oven for a friend’s birthday.

Told Amanda to get in bath.

Listened to Megan read her Easter (Christmas) Hello Kitty comic book, without laughing.

Told Amanda to get in bath again.

Put second tray of cookies in the oven.

Watched Megan go out back to play with dogs wearing only socks on her feet (A huge pet peeve of mine. Note to any parents out there who happen to see the bottom of Megan’s socks … Yes, they really are clean!! They look like she just walked through mud, but I promise you ~ they HAVE been washed!)

Watched Megan come in withOUT socks.

Listened to Megan explain that while out back, she stepped in dog poop, in her socks, and had to remove them. When I asked where she had put the poopy socks, she said, “On top of the grill.” Naturally.

Put load of laundry in washing machine.

Put third tray of cookies in the oven.

Got Amanda out of tub (After she shook the water off her body like a dog. Does anyone else have a child who insists on doing this after bathing?)

Told Megan to get in bath.

Helped Amanda get pajamas on (After expressing my disgust over the state of her room.)

Put fourth tray of cookies in the oven.

Told Megan to get in bath again.

Got dessert ready for Amanda.

Got backpacks ready for the next day.

Got Megan out of the tub (Yes, she too has to shake the water off like a canine. What is the deal?!)

Put fifth tray of cookies in the oven.

Moved clothes from washer to dryer.

Helped Megan get pajamas on (Also after making my disgust known over the state of HER room.)

Got dessert for Megan.

Heard the phone ring. Megan read the phone number to me, but before I could tell her not to answer because I didn’t recognize the number, she answered it. I told her to hang up on the person. (Pretty bad, huh? Sorry if that was anyone reading this, but I’m pretty sure we don’t know anyone with a 201 area code.)

Got my clothes ready for the next day.

Took fifth and final tray of cookies out of the oven.

Got the girl’s clothes ready for the next day.

Looked at the clock! It was 7:45 p.m.!!!!

So yeah … Where does the time go? (And why am I so tired?)

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

You Spin My Hair Round?!?!

When I took my girls to see the sequel, I mean, "squeakquel" to the Chipmunks movie a while back, I was surprised to hear a cover song from the 1980's. More surprising/disturbing, was to hear it sung by chipmunks. The song: You Spin Me (originally made popular by the group: Dead or Alive.)

Tonight on the way to church, my girls and their 2 friends started singing this song in their best and LOUDEST chipmunk voices. They messed up the lyrics, just a tad ...

You spin my hair rou, rou, rou, rou, like a record baby, rou, rou, rou, round.

The correct lyrics, if you care: You spin me right round baby right round, like a record baby, round, round, round, round.

For some reason (and perhaps you had to be there), I was laughing my head off! I don't know if it was because they were singing so loud and with such conviction, or if it was because the original lyrics aren't much better than their newly adopted ones. Whatever the case, I've never experienced a ride to church like THAT before.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Heritage Plan

Amanda is one of those kids who sees a commercial one time, and can quote it word for word. I think she gets this from my sister, Tiffany, who used to do the same thing when we were kids. Anyway, sometimes it's humorous, and sometimes ~ not so much. Like tonight, for example ...

Amanda: Mom, have you ever thought about The Heritage Plan?

Me: What's The Heritage Plan?

Amanda: Well, first of all, it's for people ages 40-65 (I hate it already.)

Me: Okaaaay.

Amanda: Mom, did you know that the average cost of funerals today is $6,000?!

Me: NOW I see where this is going. Why are you telling me all this anyway?

Amanda: Why not give money to your loved ones when they'll need it the most?

Me: You can't be serious.

Amanda: Do you want the phone number?


Amanda: Hey, I'm just tryin' to help.

That's it. No more TV.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Mommy Stuff

This morning as I was getting ready (11:30 a.m. is still morning, technically), Megan came into the bathroom while I was applying mascara to my invisible blonde eyelashes.

Megan: I need some of that stuff.

Me: What stuff?

Megan: That black stuff. I want black eyes too, like you. What's that called?

Me: Mascara, but why do you want black eyes like me?

Megan: I want to look like a mom.

Me: What else makes someone look like a mom?

Megan: Hairspray and cherry red lips.

Me: Is that all?

Megan: And a big smile.

Me: smile

I didn't allow her to put the mascara on, but gave in to light-colored eye shadow and a pale pink lipstick. When we got into the car, she asked if she could wear my sunglasses, to complete her mom-look. By all means.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

The Easter Bunny's Gettin' Old

I think the Easter Bunny is showing her age. She waited until the Saturday afternoon before Easter to get all the "stuff" for Amanda & Megan's baskets, even though Easter goodies have been readily available since February 15th (if not sooner.) The girls have been going back and forth on whether or not said Bunny really exists, so the motivation to go all out just wasn't there this year. Bad Bunny!! The more baskets the Bunny saw, the more appealing last year's plush bunny baskets were. And what about the plastic eggs that were saved from last year too!? Hmmm. Perhaps candy is all that's needed this year!! And so that became the plan. Then the Bunny saw some 2-for-$5-made-in-China-woven-purse-type-things. That's it! Fill up last year's basket, add the purse deal and we're good to go!! The Easter Bunny is BACK!!

The girls had very different takes on what they found Easter morning (shocker).

Amanda: "Mom!! I guess the Easter Bunny really DOES exist!! Look at this cute purse and all the new candy inside!!" Later, Meg pulled me aside: "Well, it's obvious that YOU'RE the Easter Bunny!" I tried, sort of, to argue, "What?! Why would you think such a thing?" Megan replied, "Well, for one thing, same baskets as last year, and look up on the fridge ... they're not there anymore so that proves that. AND we had these striped plastic eggs last year too." I lamely countered, "But what about the new purse and all that candy?" She rolled her eyes and said, "Nice try, Mom, but I saw that candy at Target." Oh yeah?!?!? Well it was from Walgreens, Smarty Pants.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

The Ten Commandments

Tonight while eating a quick dessert before bed, the girls got to see a little bit of The Ten Commandments on TV for the first time. They were quite taken with the fancy Egyptian costumes (or lack thereof in the men's case.) One of the scenes they saw had Pharaoh sending Moses away after finding out he was a Hebrew, and then laying down decrees on how the name of Moses would be removed from any records in the land of Egypt, etc. After each decree, there was a loud timpani drum played for dramatic effect. After about the 3rd one, Megan asked, "What is that LOUD NOISE every time the bad guy says something?" Amanda replied with her first-born-know-it-all-attitude, "Uh, Megan, it's a KINGDOM. And KINGDOMS are all about LOUD NOISES and GOLD JEWELRY."

Remember that, people.

Friday, April 2, 2010

The Middle Finger

Yesterday, Megan informed me that she knew what "the middle finger" meant. Excuse me?? Are we really about to have this conversation? And aren't you only 6 years old?!? I took a deep breath, "Alright, what does it mean, Megan?" I fully expected to hear some kind of nonsense word, but instead heard THE WORD: "&%#@" "Megan!" I gasped, "Where in the world did you hear that word?!?!?" She let me know that Amanda had shared the word with her after hearing it from a friend at school. Nice.

Next stop, Amanda. I asked her, in front of Megan, if she in fact told her sister what the middle finger meant. Before she could reply, Megan chimed in, "The 'F' word!! And not the word 'Fat' either." It's true, Fat is the 'F word' in our house. Amanda confirmed the word by spelling it (ugh!) She defended herself by saying that, "She told Megan not to tell anyone." Like that ever works. It's the job of a younger sister to tell everyone everything!! I asked her where she had heard the word in the first place. She told me the name of the guilty schoolmate. Just the kind of thing I want to discuss with a parent at school. Not.

Thankfully, when I asked Amanda if she knew what the word actually meant, she did NOT. HUGE sigh of relief here. I'm trusting that I conveyed to my girls just how vile that word is, and how severe their punishment will be if any parent comes to ME to say that their child heard such a word from one of MY daughters.

My girls are never leaving the house again.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

From Zoo to Poo

The girls and I had THE BEST morning with friends at the zoo! The whole time we were there I kept thinking, Why can't life be like this all the time? Wandering around, stopping to stare at things instead of politely looking away (you should have seen this one camel.) Laughing with mommy friends while our children happily skipped along their merry way. It was just the perfect morning. Then we topped it off with lunch at In-N-Out. Like I said, perfect.

Little did I know, the afternoon was waiting for us.

Both of the girls have Easter dresses hanging in their closets, but need some kind of sweater to cover their bare shoulders. Because their mom is in the choir at church, they get to be at church by 6:30 a.m. Easter Sunday, and I'm thinkin' it might be a little chilly.

So ... we headed to the outdoor mall in town, and after shopping at 3 stores, it was clear the girls had reached their limit. Megan didn't like anything, and Amanda kinda' liked one sweater, but didn't like the 3 quarter length sleeves, so we headed for the car. No big deal. We've still got 2 more days to find something. Once we were in the parking garage, and about 6 feet from our car, Amanda announces that she'd be fine with the last sweater she tried on, and can we go back to get it? (Megan, mind you, has been whining the entire way back to the car, accusing me of hating her, because I won't take her into Macy's. Like I would risk taking this tantrum-in-waiting to Macy's?!?) I explained to Amanda that the time to have told me this was while we were INSIDE THE STORE. Hello???

Needless to say, the ride home was a nightmare, and once we arrived at our house, the girls got to spend some quality time alone in their rooms. More importantly, MOM got to have some quality time alone as well. After everyone had calmed down and was "let out", Megan informed me that she knows what the "middle finger" means. But I'll save that for my next blog ...