So Proud

The other night after her bath, Megan was very excited to show me a new talent she had acquired. A skill that I tried and tried to master myself as a young girl, but never could. It's something that boys take for granted, I'm quite sure. Just like making those machine gun sounds with their mouths. I could never do that either, darn it.

Megan: Mom!! Guess what I can do!

Me: What?

Megan: I can do an arm fart!

Me: NO WAY!!

Megan: And not just ONE, but TWO at the same time!!

Me: Let's hear it!

Standing outside the tub naked, she put her right hand under her left armpit, and her left hand under her right armpit and went to town. I couldn't believe my ears! She was actually doing it! I was so proud and so envious at the same time. She's funny, cute, AND can do a double arm fart ... I believe that's what they call a "triple threat".

Have you ever ...

... experienced such a tantrum from your child, that you immediately ran to the bathroom to make sure you'd taken your birth control pill the night before?



... realized that baby showers are really pity parties? Most of the gals throwing the baby shower are moms themselves, and know what she's in for, so "Let's give the poor girl some gifts!"



... thought your child was faking illness, and after sending them to school, received a call to pick them up because they had a fever?



... had the principal tell you that you had to pick your daughter up from school because she stabbed a boy with a pencil in class because he wouldn't take his hand off her desk?



... wondered "When will I feel like I've finally got this parenting thing down?"



... had a tattooed, male neighbor, whom you'd never met, return your daughter to you saying, "She knocked on my door asking if she could come in and pet my dog. I told her I should meet her parents first."



... watched your child sleep, and try to remember what it was that got you so annoyed earlier?



... carried a screaming toddler through Macy's?



... looked forward to time "alone", only to find that you miss your kids?











Yeah, me neither.

Lip Therapy

Tonight after I'd tucked Amanda into bed, she asked if I could hand her the Lip Therapy. Lip Therapy, for those of you who don't know, is a small tube of cherry flavored Vasaline. Amanda's lips were chapped, and only Lip Therapy would do.

Amanda: Why would they name it "Lip Therapy".

Me: Because it helps your lips feel better?

Amanda: Yeah, but it's not like it stretches your lips.

Me: You want your lips stretched?

Amanda: No, but isn't that what therapy is for? Stretching?

Me: Oh! You mean like physical therapy?

Amanda: Yeah.

Me: Yes, sometimes physical therapy involves stretching. I'm surprised you even tried this stuff if you thought there was any chance that your lips might be stretched in the process.

Amanda: I know. They really need to change the name.

Wrong Side Family

Megan: Mom, I heard someone talking about the "wrong side of the bed" today. What's that mean?

Me: Sometimes if you wake up in a bad mood, someone might say that you woke up on the "wrong side of the bed".

Megan: Have I ever done that?

Me: Uh, yeah. (When haven't you done that?)

Megan: Has Amanda?

Me: Yes.

Megan: Have you?

Me: Yep.

Megan: Has Dad?

Me: Probably.

Megan: So we're the "wrong side family".

Me: Guess so. You gonna' wake up on the wrong side tomorrow?

Megan: Not sure.

Since this conversation took place at 9:45 p.m. after Wednesday night church, I'm guessing 2 out of 4 Grimmius' will be waking up on "the wrong side" tomorrow morning.

High-5 Status

This afternoon as we were passing the preschool play ground ...

Amanda: Mom, did you know that when you give a younger kid a high-5, they act like you just gave them your autograph or something?

Me: How so?

Amanda: Well, after the high-5, they follow you ALL around like you're a celebrity or something (rolls eyes as if this is just the most annoying thing ever.)

Me: No kidding. Do you give out many high-5's?

Amanda: Uh, NO WAY.

Me: Of course not.

Monk-ish

Megan: This is how a nun walks. (shorts were hiked up, and booty was swaying way too much.)

Me: Uh, no, that is not how a nun walks.

Amanda: Mom, boy nuns are called monks, right?

Me: Right.

Amanda: Do you think they have urinals where they live?

Me: Why wouldn't they? Because they wear dresses?

Amanda: Dresses?!

Me: Robes. Whatever.

Amanda: So, do they have urinals?

Me: If they're boys, I'm gonna' say "yes" to the urinals.

Amanda: Thought so.

Me: Moving on ...

Cold Stone Creamery Cakes by Amanda

Amanda was feeling crafty, and decided to make her own
Cold Stone Creamery Cake menu ...

Devil's Food Cake

Color Wonder Cake

Mountain's Majesty Cake

Garden Fever Cake

Strawberry Short Cake

Pretty in Pink Cake

(colored in purple)

Book Lovers Cake

A Christian's Favorite Cake

They're all great. So which ever one you choose, you'll be happy! :)

Inspirational Interruptions

I never used to care when my kids would interrupt a Sunday message to ask me a question. But now that we have a pastor who brings amazing teaching every week, I find myself more and more put out by the seemingly constant interruptions. Here's just a taste of the burning questions that can't seem to wait for a mere 35 minutes:

Mom, do you have any paper?

Mom, do you have a pen or pencil?

Mom, look at my heels. My shoes are giving me blisters.

Mom, do you have a bandaid?

Mom, is he almost done?

Mom, how much longer?

Mom, why are you laughing? Why was that funny?

Mom, what are you writing?

Mom, I'm tired.

Mom, can I sit on your lap?

Mom, what's for lunch?

Mom, I'm thirsty.

Mom, do you have any gum?

Mom, why is he still talking?

I guess I either need to embrace the interruptions, or sit somewhere else. And by "somewhere else", I mean a few rows away from my kids. Do I hear an Amen? Anyone? Helloooo???

Just Because ...

Just because I've cleaned the mirror, doesn't mean I want you to "accidentally" spit toothpaste on it.



Just because I pick your dirty clothes up off of the floor and wash them instead of burn them, doesn't mean that I want you to continue to leave your dirty clothes on the floor.



Just because I feed the dogs and clean up their poop, doesn't mean that you are excused from this duty.



Just because I'm your mom, doesn't mean I'm not funny.




Just because I'm laying in bed on a Saturday morning with my eyes open, does NOT mean I'm ready to get up.

Just because the bathroom door is closed when I'm in it, doesn't mean I want you to open it!!

Just because I get irritated with your disobedience, doesn't mean I love you any less.

Too Much Discipline = Sad Momma

After having dinner at Costco the other night, I asked Megan to throw her plate away. She did so, then grabbed my purse.

Megan: Mom, what if I threw your PURSE away? What would you do?

Me: I wouldn't be happy, that's for sure.

Megan: Would you cry?

Me: No, I don't think I'd cry.

Megan: You don't think you'd cry like you did that one time in my room?

Me: Do you remember WHY I cried in your room that time?

Megan: Yes. It was because you were tired of giving me spankings.

Me: That's right. The thought of having to spank you again that afternoon, made me extremely sad.

Megan: Yeah. That was funny.

Me: I don't remember you laughing after the spanking.

Megan: Yeah, me either.

Recycled Banana Muffins

I love bananas, but sometimes I just can't get through them fast enough. Last weekend was the demise of yet another banana trio. I saw them hanging on their hook, all mushy and black, and decided to put them out of their misery. So into the trash they went.

Later that day I was on Facebook when someone mentioned banana bread. Boy that sounded good. Made me wish I had some overly ripe bananas to make ... Hey! I DO have some of those!! So over to the trash I went. Call me George Costanza if you must. I was desperate! Thankfully, they were still right on top without anything toxic touching them.


Since the girls were at a neighbor's house swimming, I took advantage of the free time and made me some recycled banana muffins!!


I was so excited for the girls to see what I had made, because with the exception of cookies, I usually only bake at Christmas.


Megan was the first to see the muffins cooling on the counter.


Megan: You made muffins?!

Me: I know!!

Megan: What kind are they?

Me: Banana!!! Isn't that great?!

Megan: YUMMY!!!! Wait. You didn't use the bananas from the TRASH, did you?

Me: Umm ... What?

Birthday Mom Protocol

Megan has a summer birthday, so that means we get to squeeze in her school birthday celebration towards the end of May. Tomorrow is the big day, so that meant that today was the day we needed to buy cupcakes. And yes, I'm the kind of mom who purchases her children's birthday treats. If I could do this in a drive-thru, I would (and did until Krispy Kreme closed). I'm just nurturing like that.

Megan: Lets get one box of chocolate and one box of vanilla cupcakes.

Me: Okay, these kind here?

Megan: Yes. Those will be good. Can we get Capri Suns too?

Me: Don't you have a water fountain at school?

Megan: Yes.

Me: Then no.

Megan: Mom?

Me: Yeah?

Megan: Make sure you look your best tomorrow when you bring the cupcakes.

Me: And just what would that entail?

Megan: Eye liner, eye shadow, lip liner, and lipstick.

Me: I get to wear jeans to work tomorrow. Are jeans okay?

Megan: Okay, but capris.

Me: I can do that.

Megan: Oh, and can I do your hair?

Me: Why?

Megan: I want to make sure it looks good, and that no wrinkles show.

Me: Because?

Megan: Because if your wrinkles show, my friends might think you're a grandma or a step-mom.

Me: Good to know.

Violence on the Play Ground

Me: So how was school today Megan?

Megan: Good.

Me: What happened? Anything interesting?

Megan: Well, they made us stab each other with balls.

Me: Did you say 'STAB eachother with BALLS'?

Megan: Uh huh.

Me: How in the WORLD do you do THAT?

Megan: You just throw the ball real hard and the other person tries to run away.

Me: So the other person tries to avoid getting stabbed?

Megan: Right.

Me: Was the name of this activity "Dodgeball" by any chance.

Megan: Yeah, Dodgeball, that's it.

I never liked Dodgeball. But then I've never been a fan of stabbing either.

Prayers with Meg

Prayer time with Megan is always interesting.

She's a little OCD about praying The Lord's Prayer every night. She always starts it out the same: "And all God's people said, Our Father, Who aren't in heaven ..."

Last night during bedtime prayers, I thanked the Lord for making Megan so smart. This prompted her to lean over and kiss me on the cheek. I don't remember what I prayed after that. :)

She loves to be the one to pray before a meal. Many times she prays for everything BUT the food. A couple of nights ago, She prayed before dinner, asking God to, "bless the food and please help the plates to be clean." Amen! Wait, what?

Things I Never Thought I'd Hear

Amanda (channel surfing): Let's see if there's an infomercial on that we can watch.

Seriously? Who actually seeks out infomercials?

Amanda (still channel surfing): Dragnet! Cool, let's watch that!

How old are you, 30?

Amanda: It's much harder to burn calories than eat them. I have found that out.

It's cruel the way that works.

Amanda: Did you know that baboons have been known to drive tractors on farms? They've also been known to steal fruit. And they're man's closest cousin because they have thumbs. Oh, and if 2 baboons have a fight, the way they make up with each other is they pick ticks off of each other and comb the other one's fur. That's the weirdest kind of apology I've EVER heard of.

(All said in one breath.)

Megan: Do I have to wear underwear?

Do I have to answer that?

Megan: I want to make fruit punch. Should I use the "throw-up" bowl to mix it in?

I give up.

Ivy & Bean

Amanda's been reading (well, actually re-reading) books from the Ivy & Bean series. Ivy & Bean are two girls about Amanda's age. I wish I could tell you more, but I haven't read them myself. Anyway, she was reading one of the books on the way to church this morning ...

Megan: Ivy? What kind of name is "Ivy"?

Amanda: A good one, that's what.

Megan: I don't like it.

Amanda: Who cares what you think?

Megan: Why would anyone name their daughter "Ivy"?

Amanda: You'll understand when you grow up.

Me: Why will she understand when she grows up? She may still dislike the name "Ivy".

Amanda: No. She'll like the name when she's older and understands what names are good.

Me: Sure she will.

I find it interesting that Megan doesn't like the name "Ivy", but "Bean" is apparently completely acceptable.

Soccer? REALLY?!?

Up until now, I've managed to hide all sports sign-up paraphernalia from my girls. I make no apologies for this. We are a family who is very involved in our church, and as such, have to be there very early on Sunday mornings (6:30 a.m. for Henry, 7-7:30 a.m. for me and the girls.) This leaves Saturday, and only Saturday, to do any kind of sleeping in. Since most sports have this crazy tradition of holding games on Saturday mornings, I've avoided them like the plague.


Last week I failed BIG TIME. Amanda saw the soccer sign-up sheet before I could destroy it.


Amanda: Mom, can I play soccer next year? If you sign up now, you get a discount.


Me: You do realize that if you play soccer next year, our family will never be able to sleep in EVER AGAIN, right?


Amanda: So can I play soccer?


Me: Have you ever actually played soccer before?


Amanda: No, but I want to learn.


Me: Fine (and by "fine", I meant, "The entire family is going to regret this once they experience what I'm like after having to wake up at 5 a.m. for 14 days in a row.")


Last night, our sitter Brittany helped the girls with some soccer basics, like kicking the ball with your instep (Your instep, really? Not your toes? Who knew?)


Today they were practicing out in the front yard with an old (flat) basketball, because we don't own a soccer ball (something I used to be proud of.)











Am I really going to become a soccer mom?

Guitarists Welcome

Most homes have a small selection of reading material in their restroom.

Not us.

We apparently now have a guitar waiting for our guests who have the urge to pluck while they poop.

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

To say Amanda is inquisitive would be an understatement. Sometimes I can't even get the answer out before she's asking something else. Here is a small sampling of the burning questions plaguing her ...


Mom, do you have any brown earrings I can borrow? Ew. Those look too old-lady.


Mom, did you think Peter Brady was cute when you were a kid?


Could you check my ears for wax?


Mom, you know that "Uncle Roger" really isn't my Uncle, right?


Don't you think I sound exactly like Miley Cyrus when I sing?


Do you think Dad will like my gift? The gift was a calculator tape of all the birthday spankings he's missed out on over the years (Age 1 - 50). Total Spankings Due = 1275.

Did your food really taste like metal when you had braces?

She and Megan decided to sleep in each other's beds tonight ... Mom, you don't think Megan will fart in my bed, do you?

How To Ruin Your Husband's 50th Birthday

#1. Have children (I could leave it at that, but I know I'd get flack from some of you.)

#2. Let those children stay up a little past their bedtime for the 2 evenings prior to husband's birthday.

#3. Make birthday dinner plans at a steakhouse on Wednesday night. The actual day of your husband's birthday, but also one of his busiest times for work.

#4. Rush around after work, trying to get everything done (including pick up cake) before meeting birthday boy at steakhouse for dinner.

#5. Witness your 6 year old have multiple meltdowns during #4.

#6. Meet husband at steakhouse, only to stand outside the car for 15 minutes, waiting for 6 year old to finish her (hopefully final) meltdown.

#7. Realize there's now no way you can get a table, order, eat and pay before husband has to be back at church to run the Wednesday night service sound check.

#8. Apologize to wonderful husband, and send him back to church without any dinner.

#9. Make executive decision to put kids in bed EARLY (6:45 p.m. early) instead of going to choir.

#10. Text husband: Happy Sucky 50th

I don't remember getting to vote on MORNINGS.

Mornings. I've never been a fan. Today was just one more nail in the morning coffin.




We were running behind schedule again, and finally got into the car at 7:45 a.m. That would be the moment that Amanda closed the car door on Megan's hand. Nice. As I'm listening to my precious 6 year old scream her head off, I realize that I have 2 choices:




1) Tell her to suck it up, because we only have 5 minutes to catch the bus!


2) Take 30 seconds to run her into the house and apply ice.



I chose #2 (I'm as shocked as you are.)



While Henry & I were tending to Megan, Amanda came into the house. When Henry asked her WHY she had come into the house, I assured him that she was probably coming in to check on Megan because she felt bad for what had happened. He assured me that that was NOT the case. He was right.



Megan and I climbed back into the car @ 7:47 (!) only to find that Amanda was not there. I asked Henry where she was. "In her room changing her shirt and socks." ARE YOU EVEN KIDDING ME?!?!? This information resulted in 2 very obnoxious horn blows from yours truly.



Amanda stomped out of the house and into the car completely irritated with the honking. Guess who didn't give a rip?



Believe it or not, on the way to school we sailed through every traffic light (legally). The problem actually came when I pulled into the school parking lot. Where did all these cars come from?! And why are they all working together to make sure Megan misses the bus?


Long blog short, we sat in a line of cars, completely helpless and unable to move, as we watched the bus LEAVE WITHOUT MEGAN!!!


We finally made it through the drop off line, Amanda got out, and Meg & I followed the bus, then passed the bus on the way to her campus.



I sent a text to my boss to let her know why I wasn't at work yet. (She has 4 kids of her own and could totally relate.) She texted back that she'd take a moment to pray for me. While she was praying, her boss (the Superintendent) was looking for some kind of practical joke to leave on my desk!



When I finally arrived at the office (1 hour later than I was supposed to), I was greeted by this:























Is it Friday yet?

Why do I bother talking at all?

Amanda: Mom, is it true that you can't take a bath if you have a cast on your arm or leg?

Me: As long as you wrap the cast in plastic so it stays dry, you can take a bath or shower.

Amanda: Why can't you get the cast wet?

Me: I think it's because it will fall apart if it gets too wet. Plus, it might get mildewy.

Amanda: So why can't you take a bath with a cast on?

Me: Are you even listening to me?!

Amanda: Huh?

Me: That's what I thought.

Mother's Day Coupon Book

Is there anything better than coupon books from your kids? I think not. Today I received one from Megan for Mother's Day ...

This Coupon is Good For:

Making Her Pritty

It was just a few days ago that she told me I looked "awful". I can take a hint, or two.

Dishis

I think she means washing them, but getting me new ones would be fine too.

Breakfist

I wonder if this is anything like a knuckle sandwich.

Massages

Oh yeah.

Washing the Close

Washing anything would be wonderful. Close or clothes. I'm not picky.

Woking the Dogs

I think I know what she meant ... but I'm locking up the pans & skillets just in case.

Meg's Ladybug Facts

If a ladybug has 11 spots, it will have 11 babies.

Ladybugs with no spots are boys.

Ladybugs lay yellow eggs.

If you find one in the pool and it's super-shiney, it's ready to die.

They like living in jars.

And by "living" she means dying.

Elliptical Elation

Two days ago we acquired a Nordic Track Elliptical machine from my in-laws. (Yay!) Amanda has been, shall we say, obsessed with exercising on it ever since it arrived. Yesterday she had a question ...

Amanda: Mom, are you supposed to burn more calories than you eat, or eat more calories than you burn?

Me: Uh, do you want to know what you're supposed to do, or what I do?

Amanda: Mom!

Me: Right. Sorry. Some people believe that you're supposed to burn more calories than you eat.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

Tell me what you REALLY think, Megan.

Amanda went on a field trip today to Fresno's Kearney Mansion. There was a gift store there, and for $5.00 she was able to buy a couple of souvenirs. One of which was a telescope/periscope thing. It wasn't long before Megan got ahold of it and turned it on me ...

Megan: Oh Mom.

Me: Oh what?

Megan: I can see you.

Me: Oh yeah? How do I look?

Megan (whispers): AWFUL.

Note to self: Teach youngest child the art of "sugar-coating".

Momma Megan

Megan: Mom, I wrote on my school report today that I want to have six kids when I grow up.



Me: Really. SIX?!



Megan: Yeah, it looks fun.



Me: Fun? Why do you think it looks fun? Is it because you always see me so happy; skipping around the house and stuff?



Megan: Blank stare.



Me: Yeah, I didn't think so.

Welcome to the U.L.B.P. Village

A couple weekends ago we went shopping for Amanda's book report diorama supplies. We found some interesting multi-colored spongey things that you could mold into different shapes. They were pretty cool, actually.



After the diorama was completed, there were still a lot of the spongey things left to play with, so Amanda went to town. She called me over a while later ...



Amanda: Mom, check out my U.L.B.P. Village.



Me: Your what Village?



Amanda: U.L.B.P. Village.



Me: What in the world is a U.L.B.P. Village?



Amanda: It's a village for people that have Unusually Large Body Parts.



Me: Well of course it is.

Just Say "No" to Bunnies and Yard Sales

This past Saturday the girls and I hit Jeff's Pet Depot for some dog food. While we were there, Megan saw some bunnies for sale.

Megan: Mom, can I get a bunny?

Me: No.

Megan: How much are they?

Amanda: $38.50

Megan: Mom, if I save up $38.50, can I buy a bunny?

Me: No.

Megan: Why not?

Me: We already have 2 dogs that you're not taking care of, we're certainly not going to throw a bunny in the mix. Besides, it's not just the bunny you have to pay for, it's the cage, food, etc.

Megan: Okay, how much is a cage?

Me: I have no idea. $40?

Megan: So if I save up $38.50 and $40.00, then can I get the bunny?

Me: No. As long as we have 2 dogs, there will be no other pets.

I should have known that just because the conversation had ended, didn't mean it was over.

As soon as we got back home, Megan set up a table in our driveway with some items for a yard sale.

Me: Megan, what are you doing?

Megan: Having a yard sale.

Me: Why?

Megan: To get some money to buy a bunny, and a cage, and some food.

Me: I already told you that even if you save enough money, you will NOT be buying a bunny.

Megan: Soooo you wanna' buy something?

Me: No, I do NOT want to buy something.

Megan: How come?

Me: Well for starters, I bought all this stuff once already. I'm certainly not going to buy it again so that you can save up money to NOT buy a bunny.

Megan: Pleeease. Just one thing. Look, this is only a dollar.

Me: MEGAN!

Megan: Look, it's a toothpick holder.

Me: I KNOW. It's MY toothpick holder!!

Megan: Soooo you wanna' buy it?

Me: FINE.


I sure hope I can hold out longer on the bunny than I did on the yard sale.


By the way, if you're in need of a subscription card to a magazine (not the actual magazine, just the card that you mail in), Megan has one available for $5.00.

Mother of TWO

You know you're not ready for another baby when you go to take your birth control pill, accidently drop it on the bathroom floor and immediately go through this thought progression:

Oopsy!

Okay, where is it?

Seriously, where did it go?

It's gotta' be here somewhere.

This floor needs to be mopped.

Okay, there's no way it could have bounced into the toilet, is there?

Should I look in the toilet?

If it's there ... do I rescue it and then do I ... oh please don't be in there, because I would have no choice. For the sake of my sanity, and girl's safety, I canNOT miss a pill!!

Why am I sweating so much?

Whew! Not in the toilet!

WHERE IS THAT THING?!?

Lord, please help me ... I beg You ... please help this exhausted momma find her little white pill. I know that's Your will. I just know it.

Wait! What's that?! Ah ha!! Found you! Thought you could hide next to the waste basket, did ya?

Well nice try, but I'm a mother of TWO, and I mean it.