Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Seat Cover Chaos

Okay. I guess I'm officially OLD. Things are happening to me at 42, that I never thought would be a part of my everyday existence.

Heartburn? Really?? The only time I've ever had to deal with that in the past was when I was 8+ months pregnant. And now, it's not really everyday, but rather once a month or so. And when it hits, it's BAD. Like I'm not sure if I'm having a heart attack or heartburn, you know? Yeah. BAD.

And apparently n
ow I have to wear shoes with "support"?! Seriously? Name one pair of cute shoes out there with proper arch support!! I DARE YOU. Not to mention the fact that I live in CALIFORNIA, also known as the FLIP-FLOP STATE. So now if I choose cute flips over orthopedic-ish footwear, I spend the next day hobbling around with sore, inflamed feet. PATHETIC.

And how 'bout this? Twice now in the past 2 months, a slight sore throat has manifested itself into a Bell's palsy type reaction on my mouth. One side of my mouth gets puffy and drawn-down. It only lasts a day, but it's so not attractive. Oh, and a friend of mine said the same thing happened to her when her hormones started changing. SERIOUSLY?! Could I not just have hot flashes like everyone else?!?!?!?!?!

I won't even mention the state of my mind (Okay, one quick example: Thought I had TSS. Even went to the doctor for confirmation, but turned out it was just the flu, and what I thought had gotten "lost", was never actually inserted to begin with!! Hello?! Who's losing her ever-lovin' mind?!?!? MEEEEE!!!!)

So that brings me to this past week, and the reason for my title. I really try to drink a lot of water during the day, which means many trips to the restroom. Usually this isn't a problem, but the other day ... yeah, PROBLEM. Seat covers are not optional in a public restroom, in my opinion. So there I am, emptying my bladder, and upon completion I stand up only to realize that I've apparently "picked up" something with my, uh, "cheeks". I knew something didn't feel quite right, and when I looked back ... there it was ... the seat cover, wedged between my bunzolas. Nice, huh? So I dealt with it and dismissed it as a fluke. I mean, it was almost humorous. Almost ... until it happened TWO MORE TIMES THAT SAME DAY!!! Come ON!! What is the deal?! Does this not sound like something that only happens in nursing homes? Oh my WORD. And it's not even a skill I can use to my advantage. I mean when does one ever need to pick something up with their backside?! EXACTLY.

I'm scared to think what other ways my body plans on failing me in the next few years.

One thing's for sure ... if you're in my inner circle of friends and I start tooting without any apparent realization ... just lock me up. Seriously. Save yourselves.


  1. Tami, the acid reflux hit me bad last year. That sore throat thing is part of it, at least itvwas for me! I would loose my voice. FB me if you need a little sympathetic advice bc it won't just get better and you do not want to live on meds for it....not good. Totally feel your pain about aging.

  2. Cute post... very understandable, now that I'm 55 things just keep cropping up you wouldn't believe!!! :-) (Now I'm starting to look at Depends... thinking... is it time to start buying those things... oh age - where is your beauty?

    Regarding the heartburn it is definitely reversible, but something you shouldn't ignore get it checked by your gastroenterologist sooon... Yep it's time for those types of tests too....