Life and Cows

I've mentioned before that my girls sit with me in church during the 1st gathering, then they go off to Sunday School after that.

This past Sunday, our pastor was speaking on Psalm 73 and how Asaph couldn't reconcile the injustices of life with the character of God. Our pastor used the phrase, "Life isn't fair" several times. Then in verse 22, Asaph realizes he was "senseless and ignorant; a brute beast before God." Our pastor likened the "brute beast" to a big dumb cow taking it's time crossing the road ... only caring about it's own agenda.

There was obviously much more to his message, BUT ... during the closing prayer, Megan turned to me ...

Megan: Mom, can I not go to Sunday School, but instead stay in dad's office and play my DSi?

Me: No.

Megan: Why not?

Me wanting to point out that she didn't learn anything during this gathering, but that she would during Sunday School: What did you learn during this service?

Megan: That life isn't fair and there was some guy who was a cow.

Me: Exactly. You're going to Sunday School.

The Culk Button

We were in the car with the music playing. The CD tracks were clicking along on the stereo's face when ...

Megan: Can you press the culk button please?

Me: The 'culk' button?

Megan: Yes, I wanna' see what time it is.

As I looked over at the stereo, trying to find a button that read 'culk', I saw it: CLK.

Me: Meg, the button you're talking about is short for 'clock', it's not actually pronounced 'culk'.

Megan: It's 'culk'.

Me: Right. 'Culk'.

And my New Year's resolution is gonna' be to lose 10 "lubs".

Meg's Christmas Trivia

Meg won a Christmas Trivia card game at her class Thanksgiving party last week. When she asked me if I wanted to play, I said "Sure."

Wrong answer.

Here's how it went down ...


Question #1

Megan: In what country did the first advent calendar o-gredient?

Me trying to clarify the mispronounced word: Originate?

Megan: Nope! Germany.


Question #2

Megan: What is a tay-bomb?

Me having not learned from my experience with question #1: Tannenbaum?

Megan: No. It's a German Christmas tree.


Question #3

Megan: Which of the following did the 3 wise men not bring to Baby Jesus: Gold, frankleness, or dynamos?

Me pretty sure that neither dynamos or frankleness were among the first Christmas gifts: Um, frankleness?

Megan: Dynamos (which I later saw was spelled: diamonds)


Question #4

Megan: Which of the following is not one of Santa's reindeer: Vixen, Common, or Donner?

Me: Common?

Megan: Nope. Donner.

Me: But Donner IS one of Santa's reindeer. Wait, how is it spelled?

Megan: D-o-n-n-a.

Me: Uh huh. And how is Common spelled?

Megan: C-o-m-e-t.

Yeah ... never play a trivia game with a 3rd grade reader who is missing both front teeth. Odds are not in your favor.

Spike

It was Monday morning.

I was in the kitchen with Megan.

Henry was at the other end of the house when I thought of something I needed to tell him.

Me: Henry!!

No response.

Megan: Why do you call him 'Henry'?

Me: Because that's his name. Why, what should I call him?

Megan: Spike.

Me willing to try anything: Spike!!

No response.

Megan: He can't hear you because he's shaving.

Later that morning ...

Me: Just so you know, I'll be calling you 'Spike' from now on.

Henry: Oh?

Me: Yeah, Megan didn't think 'Henry' was workin', so she suggested 'Spike'. Just wanted to let you know so that you can respond the next time you're called.

Henry: Got it.

I know, the likeness is eerie.

Seat Cover Chaos

Okay. I guess I'm officially OLD. Things are happening to me at 42, that I never thought would be a part of my everyday existence.

Heartburn? Really?? The only time I've ever had to deal with that in the past was when I was 8+ months pregnant. And now, it's not really everyday, but rather once a month or so. And when it hits, it's BAD. Like I'm not sure if I'm having a heart attack or heartburn, you know? Yeah. BAD.

And apparently now I have to wear shoes with "support"?! Seriously? Name one pair of cute shoes out there with proper arch support!! I DARE YOU. Not to mention the fact that I live in CALIFORNIA, also known as the FLIP-FLOP STATE. So now if I choose cute flips over orthopedic-ish footwear, I spend the next day hobbling around with sore, inflamed feet. PATHETIC.

And how 'bout this? Twice now in the past 2 months, a slight sore throat has manifested itself into a Bell's palsy type reaction on my mouth. One side of my mouth gets puffy and drawn-down. It only lasts a day, but it's so not attractive. Oh, and a friend of mine said the same thing happened to her when her hormones started changing. SERIOUSLY?! Could I not just have hot flashes like everyone else?!?!?!?!?!

I won't even mention the state of my mind (Okay, one quick example: Thought I had TSS. Even went to the doctor for confirmation, but turned out it was just the flu, and what I thought had gotten "lost", was never actually inserted to begin with!! Hello?! Who's losing her ever-lovin' mind?!?!? MEEEEE!!!!)

So that brings me to this past week, and the reason for my title. I really try to drink a lot of water during the day, which means many trips to the restroom. Usually this isn't a problem, but the other day ... yeah, PROBLEM. Seat covers are not optional in a public restroom, in my opinion. So there I am, emptying my bladder, and upon completion I stand up only to realize that I've apparently "picked up" something with my, uh, "cheeks". I knew something didn't feel quite right, and when I looked back ... there it was ... the seat cover, wedged between my bunzolas. Nice, huh? So I dealt with it and dismissed it as a fluke. I mean, it was almost humorous. Almost ... until it happened TWO MORE TIMES THAT SAME DAY!!! Come ON!! What is the deal?! Does this not sound like something that only happens in nursing homes? Oh my WORD. And it's not even a skill I can use to my advantage. I mean when does one ever need to pick something up with their backside?! EXACTLY.

I'm scared to think what other ways my body plans on failing me in the next few years.

One thing's for sure ... if you're in my inner circle of friends and I start tooting without any apparent realization ... just lock me up. Seriously. Save yourselves.

To the Love!

Focusing is not Meg's strength.

Try as I might, there's always something to take her attention away from the task at hand.

A couple of weeks ago, the task at hand was her book report.

When she got up from the table for the 50th time ...

Me: Megan! Focus, for the love ...

Megan: Amanda! Did you hear mom? She wants me to 'focus to the love'!

Me: Not TO the love, FOR the love.

Megan: To the love, Amanda! Focus to the love!!

Me: FOR THE LOVE!!!

At this point, she and Amanda start dancing around chanting, "Focus to the love! Focus to the love!"



Ugh.

R.I.P.

Megan completed a book report project a couple weeks ago. It's always sooo nice being on this side of a book report!

This report was to be a time-line of the biography's main character. Each page was to include a sentence and illustration.

When it came to the last page ...

Megan: I don't know what to draw for him dying.

Me: How about a tombstone?

Megan: You mean one of those stones that has R.I.P. on it?

Me: Yeah.

Megan: Okay. Can you help me draw the rip stone?

Me: The 'rip' stone?

Megan: Yeah.

Me: Sure.

A New Boulevard

The girls and I attended a bridal shower out of town last weekend. They had so much fun. (Mostly because they both won door prizes!)

As we drove into town and I started to exit the freeway, Meg took notice of the street name we were taking ...

Megan: MONEY BELOVED?! Who would name a street THAT?

Me: It's actually pronounced MOONEY BOULEVARD.

Megan: Oh.

Me: Yeah.

Veteran's Day Lipstick

The girls had the opportunity to march in our city's Veteran's Day Parade last week. Amanda thought it would be the perfect time to wear a little make-up. I really had no opinion on the matter, as I was in "holiday" mode and not wanting to make any decisions or carry out any discipline.

When it came time for lipstick, she chose one of my Clinique samples that was a shade of light pink. The name? Pink Beach.

Amanda: Megan, mom's letting me wear her Pink Beach lipstick to the parade today!

Megan: I wanna' wear some Pink Bitch lipstick!

Me: Uh, that's Pink BEACH lipstick.

Megan: Whatever. Can I wear some?

Me: Sure.


Like I've always said ... nothing says "Happy Veteran's Day" like some
Pink Bitch lipstick.

Momma's New Moniker

Amanda's on student council, and they thought it would be good for the students to dress in red, white & blue last Thursday in honor of Veteran's Day. I figured I'd participate, and put together my most patriotic ensemble which was comprised of blue jeans, a white shirt with ruffles down the front and a 15 year old red blazer. Megan's reaction was priceless ...

Megan: Wow, Mom, you look just like Mozart.

Me: Mozart?

Megan motioning to my ruffled shirt front: Yeah. The only difference is his jacket was green, not red.

The only difference? I'm thinkin' my hair looks a little better, and oh yeah, I'm not a MAN.

And yes, she continued to call me Mozart all day. Even left me a note on my desk at work regarding her hot lunch:

Dear Mozart: I didn't know I had makin-cheese for lunch!

Good times. Classical-music-composer-comparison times.

Tunnel Vision

Megan's on the tail end of a cold. Before church last Sunday I noticed a little something in her left nostril that needed to be addressed.

Me: Meg, you might want to check your nose before we go into church.

We were still in the car, so she leaned forward to look in the rear view mirror.

Megan: Oh! You're RIGHT!! Can I have a Kleenex please?

After taking care of it, she kept looking at her nose in the rear view mirror with all kinds of fascination.

Megan: Mom, have you ever noticed that your nose looks like a tunnel?

Me: Hmm. No, I guess I haven't.

She then looked at me, face super close, nostrils flared and in a creepy voice said, "It's a tuuunnnellll. Look at the tuuunnnnnellllll."

So I did. And she was right.

LOVE HER.

'Ole Blue Eyes

Me: That (blue) coat looks good on you. It matches your eyes.

Megan: My eyes aren't that light. They're darker.

Me: Well, yes.

Megan: My friend's eyes are blue but turn green during the summer.

Me: Really?

Megan: Yeah. I wish mine did that.

Me: Poor you. Have to have pretty blue eyes ALL YEAR LONG.

Megan: Sometimes I wish they were brown, because then they would blend in with the dirt and my pupils would be really big!!

Me: Wait ... why would you want eyes that blended in with the dirt?

Megan shrugging: I dunno.

Me: Right.

Booger Champ!

Megan: At the party today, the lady said I was Champion of the Booger Wars!

Me: And this is good?

Megan: Yes! I won!!

Me: You won the 'Booger Wars'?

Amanda: She won because none of the boogers stuck to her.

Me: Oh, well congratulations then. Sounds like quite an accomplishment.

Megan: Thanks!

Amanda: So how many boogers were in there, anyway?

Megan: I don't know. It was hard to tell.

Me: In where? Where were these boogers?

Megan: In the nose, duh.

Me: Right. Sorry.

Amanda: Mom, there was a big nose with boogers in it, and everyone was throwing them at each other. We had to wear Velcro vests, and if the boogers stuck to your vest, you were out. If they just hit your leg, you were okay because they'd bounce off.

Me: Sounds pretty gross fun!



So have you heard of this Booger Wars game?? I googled it and found this link.


















Our school set it up for the kids as a reward for meeting their fundraising goal. From what I can tell, it was a great pick (Get it? 'Pick' ... Booger Wars. hee hee)

Birthday Consistency

Amanda: Mom, I know someone with a birthday on November 1st, and someone else on November 2nd, and another person has a birthday on November 3rd, and my other friend is November 4th!

Me: Cool.

Amanda: Do you know anyone with a birthday on November 5th?

Me: I had a friend in junior high and high school whose birthday was November 5th.

Amanda: Do you think they still have the same birthday?

Me: I'm thinkin' yes.

???????

Inflation

Megan's on a roll in the losing teeth department. She's lost both top front teeth, and now the teeth on either side of those are loose. She now knows that teeth = money.

Megan: Mom, how much do you think I could get if my silver tooth falls out?

Me: Well, you get $1 for a regular tooth, right?

Megan: Except for this one, remember? I wrote to the Tooth Fairy and asked for 2 bucks and she gave it to me!

Me: She did? (I did? It sounds vaguely familiar, like I might have even blogged about it. Hmmm.)

Megan: Yeah. So how much for the silver one do you think?

Me: Gee, I dunno. How much do you think?

Megan: $12.00.

Me: $12.00?! How do you figure?

Megan: Well, I already have $13.00 and I need $12.00 more to buy that chocolate thing in the catalog.

Me: Oh. Well, you're really gonna' have to plead your case with the Tooth Fairy to get $12.00.


It's a molar, so thankfully I've got some time to decide what that might be worth to me the Tooth Fairy. But since I'm the one who paid for the stinkin' crown in the first place, the thought of paying another $12.00 for it is not looking good.

Talking with your Mouth Full

Whenever the girls talk with their mouth full, Henry and I are pretty quick to say, "Don't talk with your mouth full."

So the other night when I talked with my mouth full, Amanda couldn't wait to chastise me.

Amanda: Don't talk with your mouth full, Mom!

Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was then that I realized, I pretty much always talk with food in my mouth, but I do it in such a way that it's not obnoxious, you know? I can tuck the food off to the side enough to where there aren't bits and pieces flying out with every word. It's taken years of practice, but I think I'm pretty good at it.

So I guess instead of saying, "Don't talk with your mouth full." I should say, "Don't let me know you have food in your mouth when you talk."






Or not.

Laundry Question

At least 60% of the laundry I do for the girls is comprised of Megan's pajamas.

This drives me crazy.

Then she complains when she has no pajamas to wear.

Me: Megan, if you'd wear your pajamas more than once before putting them in the hamper, you wouldn't run out so fast.

These words of encouragement apparently fell on deaf ears, because this past weekend I folded another bazillion pajama tops, bottoms and gowns.

Am I all wet on this? I mean, does everyone else out there encourage their kids to put their pj's in the hamper after 1 night's use?

I guess I'm baffled by the fact that I have to remind her to put on clean underwear, but clean pajamas are automatic.

Caring Too Much What People Think

Yesterday I got to go to the dentist for a cleaning. Not my favorite activity. Especially when I'm told that I have a cavity UNDER A CROWN!? Uh, who does that even happen to?!? I have to say, it's been one hell heck of a week for me health-wise, but that may (or may not) be a post for another day.

Okay, so as I'm backing out of my parking spot at the dentist's office, I catch sight of Megan's backseat window and am appalled at how smudgy it is with all kinds of fingerprint and hand print grossness. Why is it so hard to keep your hands off the window? I mean, I never touch my window. EVER.

And then it hit me ... I had no kids in the car with me. No one for the other drivers to blame, "Oh, THAT'S why her windows are so disgusting. She has KIDS. There they are in the back of her car right now."

Nope, I was alone. So their only assumption would be that I messed the windows up myself, like while I was stopped at a light or something. Probably reached back there with my greasy fingers and scribbled on the window because it's so fun I JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF!!

But then again, maybe I'm just over thinking it. Like I do everything. Because I'm losing my mind.

Driver's License Weight

Yep. I'm gonna' talk about it. The weight listed on your driver's license. And by "your", I'm mostly talking to the women readers out there. I think.

Like most people, I got my driver's license when I was 16. I weighed 120 lbs. And yes, I thought I was fat, but we'll leave that alone for right now.

For the next 20 years I miraculously stayed at 120 lbs. My license was proof of that. (Though my clothes told me otherwise.)

Finally at age 36, I felt it might be time to up the number, just a smidge. I mean who would believe I was still 120 lbs.? 125 maybe, but 120? Puh-lease.

Alright ... fast forward 6 years to the present day (Yes, I'm 42. Stop trying to do the math.) Amanda and I are in the McDonald's drive-thru and she offers to get the money out of my wallet. It was then that she caught a glimpse of my license ...

Amanda: Whoa!! Do you really weigh that?

Me: Um ...

Amanda: It's okay, I almost weigh that now, so don't feel bad.

Me: Well ... I actually haven't weighed THAT for a while, but ...

Amanda: You mean they don't make you change it every time your weight goes up or down?

Me: Thankfully, no, or I'd be in there every other month.


Yeah, so I'm thinkin' it's high time the DMV adds the word "goal" in front of the word "weight" on these driver's licenses, because we all know that's what it is.

Cow Talk

After the Halloween party at church ...

Amanda: What if they'd had elephants to ride tonight instead of ponies!

Me: That woulda' been somethin', huh?

Amanda: Yeah. They ride elephants in India.

Me to Henry: Is India where they worship elephants?

Henry: No. In India, COWS are considered holy.

Megan: So if cows are holy in India, then it would be okay to say 'Holy Cow!' while you're there.

Me: I guess it would, wouldn't it?



Add that to Megan's bucket list: Saying 'Holy Cow!' IN India.

Parenting in the Pew

That's actually a title from a CD I ordered back when I only had 1 toddler. The title interested me, so I bought it. The sad part? I never listened to it. And that's probably why attending church with my girls is so frustrating to me. I mean, how many times do I have to give them the evil eye before they're gonna' get it? Church is not the place to kick or pinch your sister, or whisper louder than your outside voice, or lay on the floor and take a nap! Isn't this all just understood??

Apparently not.

So a couple of weeks ago I thought to myself: Perhaps the reason the girls don't behave the way you want them to in church, is because you've never told them beforehand what you expect of them. Hmmm. I had a point.

So before we got out of the car to walk into church that Sunday morning, I turned to the girls who were sitting in the backseat ...

Me: Now, before we go inside, I want to let you know what kind of behavior I expect of you once we sit down.

Amanda: Okaay.

Me: After I sing with the choir, and come down to sit with you, it is NOT the time to tattle on your sister or ask questions that can wait until the gathering is over. Believe it or not, I actually want to HEAR the message our Pastor is giving. That's why I get so irritated when you distract me. I'm trying to pay attention. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Megan: Message? What message?


My point exactly.