Come ON.

My girls were at a sleep-over Friday night.

Their suitcase was packed with:

PJ's

Clothes for Saturday (including clean underwear and socks)

Toothbrushes

Toothpaste

Hairbrush with ponytail holders

Detangler

What I forgot to pack was Megan's tennis shoes for basketball Saturday morning. So as soon as I returned home Friday night, I set them by the door to take with me the next morning.

On Saturday morning Megan was dropped off at basketball practice, and when I arrived a few minutes later, I held the shoes up in the air and she ran over to me in her boot-clad feet ...

Megan: Thanks, Mom.

Me: You're welcome.

Megan: Where are the socks?

Me: Why would I bring socks? I packed socks in your suitcase.

At this point Megan looked at me rather sheepishly, because I am constantly nagging her to wear socks with her boots. This is obviously still something we're working on. Grrrr.

Me: Great. So what do you want me to do, go back home and get you a pair of socks?!

Megan: Yeah, okay. That would be fine.

She obviously missed my sarcasm.

Since Megan's suitcase hadn't arrived yet, I called Henry to see if he was still at home and could possibly bring Meg a pair of socks. He was on his way out the door, but grabbed some to bring over. Whew! What would we do with out cell phones?! Oh wait, probably make Megan play basketball in boots without socks, making her learn a lesson in responsibility. Now, thanks to cell phones, we'll probably get to go through all this again in a few weeks.

During the basketball game I turned to Amanda and noticed that her teeth were lookin' a little tartar-esque ...

Me: Amanda, did you brush your teeth this morning?

Amanda: No.

Me: Ugh. Well how about last night? Did you brush 'em last night?

Amanda: No.

Me: Seriously?! Why not?

Amanda: No one told us to.

Me: Come ON! Why does someone have to tell you to brush your teeth in order for you to do it?!

Amanda: Mmmm, I dunno.

Me: Ridiculous. Ab.so.lute.ly RIDICULOUS.

At this point Amanda just shrugged her shoulders and continued playing her electronic game while I shook my head.

Question: When do children do these kinds of things (brush teeth, wear socks) without having to be prompted? At this rate they're gonna' have gingivitis and some serious foot fungus by the 6th grade.

Amanda Jargon

Yesterday I got to accompany Amanda's 4th grade class on a field trip to Columbia State Park. It was fun seeing the historic mining town and watching the kids pan for gold.

Walking down Main Street, Amanda noticed a stairway next to the sidewalk that went down about 8 feet only to come right back up to the sidewalk 6 feet later. It seemed rather pointless until she said ...

Amanda: So Mom, that must be what you call a 'long-cut'.

Me: You mean like the opposite of a 'short-cut'?

Amanda: Yeah.

Me: I think you may be right.

This little exchange made me think of a couple other things that Amanda came up with back when she was about 4 years old ...

Instead of "shorts", she would call them "short sleeve pants".

And instead of "big toe", she would refer to hers as the "thumb toe".

I miss those days.

Jonas

This is a post I started back in October. Not sure why I never got back to it, but since I've got nothin' fresh to post right now, I'll just throw this out there ...

Amanda likes to talk. Sometimes non-stop. Here are some of her comments while watching the Jonas Brothers movie:

Joe seems like he's always the main singer.

Do you think those people in the audience knew they were being filmed?

I wonder how many guitars they have.

Are guitars expensive?

Joe has big muscles.

Demi Levato looks different. She either has less make-up on or she's a lot older.

While watching the Jonas Brothers in Time Square:

Amanda: It seems like Fresno doesn't have a Time Square.

Me: That's because it doesn't.

Amanda: It seems like Taylor Swift only sings country music.

Me: That's because she does.

Amanda: She's wearing black (cowboy) boots with a sparkly dress. How does that go?

Me: It doesn't, but when you're a celebrity you can wear whatever you want.

I should change that last reply to read celebrity or Megan.

Blonde Much?

Amanda has a historical fiction book report due on Monday. My goal was to have her complete it this past weekend, but of course that didn't happen. Fun always seemed to win out. And by "fun" I mean: sleeping, eating, fighting with her sister ... basically anything other than doing the report.

Last night was the night to get things going.

Amanda chose a Kaya story. Kaya, for those of you who don't know, is one of the American Girl dolls. And all, if not most of the American Girl dolls have stories written about them.

Alright, so Amanda came up with the setting and main characters, but had a little trouble with the problem/solution part. Since I hadn't read the book, I tried my best to think of things that might have happened back in 1764.

Me: Okay ... you mentioned that Kaya's family were traders, right?

Amanda: Right.

Me: And there were Indians back then, right?

Amanda (looking at me like I was a complete idiot): Uh, right.

Me (trying to think up some kind of problem that might possibly have a solution): Okay, so did Kaya's family get along with the Indians?

Amanda (looking at me in total disbelief): Mom.

Me: Come on, Amanda. I'm trying to help you here.

Amanda then holds up the book so I can see its cover:

Amanda: Kaya IS INDIAN.

Me: Right. Sorry.

Drugs & Alcohol

Yesterday was a holiday for me and the girls. And part of it was spent with Henry's folks at The Elephant Bar for lunch (Yay for no cooking!)

When the server came to get our drink order, she threw out a few choices including a Strawberry-Banana-Breeze. Well Megan thought that sounded pretty darn good and told me off to the side that she'd like one of those. I informed her that the fruity dream drink contained alcohol, and thankfully, she understood that to mean she could not have it.

Later that afternoon ...

Megan: Mom, is alcohol - drugs?

Me: Yeah, I guess you could say that. They both do things to your mind.

Megan: Like what kinda' things?

Me thinking how in the world do you describe such a thing to a 7 year old?: Oh, like, making your mind not work quite right so you can't think clearly.

Amanda clearly not impressed with my explanation: They make you lose your place, Megan.

Me: That too.

Big Sexy Hair: FAIL

My mom was in town last week to give my girls a piano lesson. This is such a gift to Amanda and Megan because Grandma Judi is an amazing pianist, and an even more amazing teacher.

Since my mom lives almost 3 hours away, she spends the night with us after the lessons, and heads back home the following morning.

This past week, she left behind her hairspray. Her "Big Sexy Hair" hairspray, to be exact.


I didn't really think much of it. I knew she'd be back in a couple weeks for another piano lesson, and would collect it then.

Well, two days later, Megan fixed her own hair as she always does, and as she and Henry were leaving the house ...

Megan: Mom, does my hair look okay?

I looked at it, and thought it looked a little "crispy", but other than that, thought it looked fine.

Me: Yeah, it looks fine.

Later Henry told me what happened.

Henry: Did Megan tell you about the new red can of detangler spray she tried yesterday morning?

Me: Oh no!! You mean the Big Sexy Hair 'detangler'?

Henry: Yeah. She didn't think it worked too well.


Guess not!!

High Heaven

Last night during dinner ...

Amanda: Excuse me, I farted.

I give her the "look".

Megan: Her farts stink like high heaven!

Me: To high heaven, Meg. They stink to high heaven.

Megan: Yep, they do.

Michael, Amanda & Al

My first recollection of Michael Jackson's music, was my brother's "Off the Wall" album. I must have been in 5th or 6th grade, and remember thinking the songs had amazing rhythms, and that Michael's voice was super high. Kinda' like a girl's, but still good.

When his "Thriller" album came out, I bought it with my own money. (Read: 1 cent mailed to Columbia House for 13 albums with the promise of purchasing 4 more at the "regular club price" of $20-$25 each within the next 8 weeks or so. My poor mother.)

Not only was I a fan of his music, but I also thought he was kinda' cute. Now, this was back in the 80's after he'd only had like 4-5 plastic surgeries on his face. I even had this poster, if you can believe it:

I've never replaced any of my LP's with CD's, and last week I had an itch to hear some Michael Jackson so I got a 3-CD collection of his songs.

My girls were immediately taken with the cool tracks, just like I had been back in the day. And they also commented on how girlish his voice sounded ... like mother like daughters.

Yesterday Amanda was putting one of the CD's on the stereo ...

Amanda: Mom?

Me: Yeah?

Amanda: Why do all of Michael Jackson's CD's say 'ef-it' on them?

I started racking my brain ... "ef-it"? Really? Why in the world would it say that on the CD's? Is that in place of the real "F" word? And if so, why?! I was so confused.

Amanda: Mom???

Me: Oh, sorry. Now, what does it say on the CD's again? 'Ef-it'?

Amanda: Not 'Ef-it'. EPIC.

Me: OH!! EPIC was the name of the record company he recorded for.

The girls are having fun listening to "Bad" and the like, but I've gotta' say, I can't seem to listen to those songs without thinking of a Weird Al Yankovic parody.

I just youtube'd a few of them. All pretty funny, and most of them completely politically incorrect. If you're in a Weird Al mood, click on the youtube links below.

FAT

Eat it

It's what's for dinner.

Henry and I went to a wonderful staff Christmas party back in, well, December. The food was AMAZING. (Have you ever had pumpkin filled ravioli with white cream sauce?! If not, you haven't LIVED. It's Phenomenal!!)

Anyway, since we were going out for dinner, I still had to have something for the girls and their sitter to eat while we were away. I usually opt for pizza, but thought I'd mix it up a little and serve spaghetti and meatballs. (I know. Even I was impressed with myself.)

Now I thought the menu was complete, but apparently Megan felt differently.

Right before dinner was ready, I looked over to find this on the kitchen table:

Gummy Worm Salad, anyone?

Only the Best for our Guests

Can we talk guest towels? And really, they're not guest towels most of the time, they're family towels. And when I say "family", I really mean "kid's" towels.

I know I'm not going to get a whole lot of sympathy on this rant, because I am the one who chose ivory colored towels for our guest bathroom. But with the taupe walls, they just look so nice.

Well, they look nice for the first 10 minutes after they come out of the dryer, that is.

Usually, the thing I see most often smeared on these towels is bright blue toothpaste. That's right, BRIGHT BLUE toothpaste.

Really? Can we not wipe our mouths on a tissue of some sort? Or better yet, brush our teeth in a way that doesn't leave a blue clown mouth that needs to be wiped at all?

Alright, so I've gotten used to my pretty ivory towels defaced with blue Crest, sort of. But on Monday night after much Valentine candy had been consumed, and the girls were tucked in bed, I walked by their bathroom and saw this:

What in the world?! How does one get that much chocolate on a towel? All I can figure is that one of them sucked on a Hershey's kiss, and then LICKED THE TOWEL before brushing her teeth with BRIGHT BLUE TOOTHPASTE, and then wiped THAT on the light colored "canvas". Because if somebody shows up to the house unexpectedly and needs to wash and dry their hands, we need to be ready for them.

Book Reports with Meg

Megan's in 2nd grade and gets to do one book report every week.

Tonight she picked "The Cat in the Hat" for this week's report.

After reading it, she began writing ...

Megan: Mom, how should I start it out?

Me: Well, why don't you begin telling about the two kids and how they had to stay home.

Megan: Okay, 'two kids were home one day' ...

Me: What are their names? You should use their names.

Megan: Sally and .... and ...

Me: Does it not tell you the brother's name?

Megan: No.

Me: Really? Let me see that book.

I look and find that the brother's name is never mentioned. Go figure.

Me: Okay, well, I guess you can't use his name, so you can just refer to him as Sally's brother.

Megan: No, I'm gonna' call him 'Drew'.

Me: You can't do that.

Megan: Yes I can. 'Sally and Drew had to stay home one day ...'

Me: Megan, you can't just make up a name. There's a good chance that your teacher has read 'The Cat in the Hat'.

Megan: Well, I bet if she read it, it was a loooong time ago and she won't remember the boy's name.

Me: Maybe, but 'Drew' wasn't even a common name back when Dr. Seuss wrote this book.

Megan: Really? Okay fine! I'll call him 'boy'.

Me: Good call.

Anger Management Anyone?

What can I say? This past Sunday morning was nothing short of ca-RAZY.

Usually after singing in the choir, I go directly from the platform to sitting with my two girls to hear the message.

This past Sunday, however, my girls stood up and walked over to meet me before I could make it to my seat. Megan whispered, "Amanda said we're leaving now." I replied, "Amanda's wrong. Go back to your seat."

This did NOT go over well with Miss Megan AT ALL.

She trudged back to her seat and huffed as she sat down. Then she grabbed my hand and put it up to her forehead.

Me whispering: What?

Megan whispering back: Feel how hot my forehead is?

Me: It feels fine.

Megan: No, it's hot! I need to get out of here!

Me: It's not hot. We're staying.

At that news, Megan took her little black shrug and draped it over her head, and began writing very angrily while I tried to focus my attention on what our Pastor was saying.

A couple minutes later, I felt her tapping my arm. I looked over as she shoved a folded piece of paper into my hand and growled, "Happy Valentine's Day!"

Okaaay. So I go to open the "Valentine", thinking she's seen the error of her ways and wants to make up. Um, no. I opened it and read, "I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE NOW!!"

Sorry, but that just struck me funny. Probably because:

1) She prefaced it with "Happy Valentine's Day".

2) She had that black thing on her head, with just her angry eyes peeking out at me.

3) We were in church, which is where most inappropriate giggling takes place.

4) I knew my friends sitting behind me were thoroughly enjoying the "show" in front of them.

So I start laughing, and as anyone who knows me will tell you, I can't laugh silently without my shoulders moving up and down.

This made Megan even more mad.

Megan: Stop laughing! That wasn't a joke!!

Me: I know (still laughing), I'm sorry.

Megan kept her head covered for the remainder of the message, and continued to scribble notes to me and Amanda. She eventually worked through her anger, which is good, because today's sermon was on anger and how the Lord equates it with murder (Matthew 5:21-22.) Not exactly a light-hearted topic, and I'm over on the east side cracking up at my murderous daughter.

Good times.

Adult Valentines

The girls and I went shopping for valentines the other day.

I was looking in the "husband" valentine section of cards, and I thought my girls were looking in the "daddy" valentine section, until Amanda held up a card with a cartoon couple in bed and when you pulled the tab, they went further under the covers (lovely)...

Amanda: Mom, this card says, 'Honey, you have things to do, and I'm one of them.'

Me: Oh ... well ...

Amanda: What does that mean and why are they going under the covers? What are they doing?

Me (starting to feel a headache coming on): Um ...

Amanda: Are they kissing?

Me: YES!! Yep, that's it alright. KISSING!!!

Amanda: Gross.

Me: Yep. (Whew!)

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

Inquiring (7 y.o.) Minds Want to Know

Tonight after her bath ...

Megan: Mom, how did you find me?

Me: Find you when?

Megan: When I was born. How did you know it was me?

Me: I knew it was you because I gave birth to you.

Megan: Then how come people say that I look like Dad and Amanda looks like you?

Me: Because that's just how God chose to do it.

Megan: Hmmm. Okay. I love you, Mom.

Me: I love you too, Meg.

Two Wheels

Amanda got her first bicycle when she was 5 years old (could she BE any cuter?!):

After gradually raising the training wheels over time, she eventually taught herself to ride without them by age 7. (Some might call that lazy parenting. I call it brilliant parenting.)

Megan was given hand-me-down bikes from friends (again, is she not the cutest?!):

She finally got her own bike when she turned 6. Here's a photo on the morning of her 6th birthday. She had just woken up to find the bike in her room. (Hence the bike on the carpet and the dazed look on her face.)

Tonight Meg decided to try and ride her sister's bike which doesn't have training wheels. I was inside fixing dinner when she ran in ...

Megan (rubbing her bum): Mom, I fell.

Me: You did? Are you alright?

Megan: Yeah. I just wish they made bottom pads.

Me: Well most people have built-in bottom pads. You, on the other hand, have no padding back there whatsoever.

I followed her back outside to see her progress, and was amazed to see this:

Another self-taught 7 year old bike rider. (Another brilliant parenting moment.)

Guess!!

Amanda received a darling black Guess velour sweat suit from my mom this past Christmas.

The jacket has "GUESS" written on the back across the shoulders. And just in case one dares to wear the pants without the jacket, those also say "GUESS" on one pant leg, between the knee and ankle.

Now Amanda's height has not quite caught up with her clothing size, and as such, I get to hem most of her pants. The only problem with this Guess sweat suit, is the fact that if I hem up the pants to where they need to be, instead of reading "GUESS", they would read "GUE". Not quite what she had in mind. So she's just been tucking the pant legs into her boots and calling it good.

The other day, when Amanda was sporting her black sweat suit ...

Megan: Mom, I know why Amanda's sweat suit says 'GUESS' on it.

Me: Um, because that's the name of the company that designed the sweat suit?

Megan: No, because she's in ALL BLACK.

Me: And?

Megan: ALL BLACK ... so you have to GUESS who she is.

Me: OH, right.

Huh? Wouldn't have guessed that in a million years.

Now if the sweat suit had come with a ski mask ... maybe.

Superbowl Psycho

While watching the Superbowl this past Sunday, Amanda, for lack of a better word, went psycho.

She was beyond hyper.

Dancing all over the room.

Talking VERY loudly.

Laughing boisterously.

And breaking A LOT of wind.

Now you know why we didn't invite any of you over to watch the game with us.

At one point she was sitting on the couch shaking her legs uncontrollably. We all just stared in disbelief.

Amanda: Look! I can shake my legs at will.

Me: Wow.

Henry: Poor Will.

Amanda: Huh?

Henry: Poor Will. You shake your legs at him, fart at him ...

It's true. Will deserves so much better.

Meg's Dog Walking Wardrobe

Before you walk your dog, you might want to take notes from Megan on what to wear.

Cool hat:

Flashy purse to hold snacks (mini marshmallows & water):

Jazz:

And Attitude:

Any questions?

Can we just pray already?

After tucking Megan into bed last night ...

Me: Okay, who's praying first?

Megan: Um ... a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, z.

Me: Right, so me or you?

Megan: 1, 2 ...

Me: No, we're not counting. Me or you?

Megan: 1, 2, skip a few, 99, 100.

Me: Megan.

Megan: Mom, you are soooo pretty.

Me: Uh huh, ME or YOU?

Megan: I love you.

Me: MeGAN.

Megan: Fine! Go ahead and pray!

Me: Thank you.

Doors vs. Windows

There are phrases you hear as a kid that don't make sense when you're young. And because they don't make sense, you don't always get the phrase right.

For instance, when I was a kid, I remember hearing this phrase:

Just take it with a grain of salt.


But what I thought they said was:

Just take it with a great assault.


Yeah.


So the other night we were watching TV as a family when Amanda walked right in front of the television and just stood there ...



Henry: Hey Door ...

Amanda: Huh?

Me: You make a better door than a window.

Megan: Yeah Dora, move it.





And there you have it. Another generation of misunderstanding.

Sunday Morning Music

Day 5 with one car. Kinda' tricky on a Sunday. After doing the soundcheck at church, Henry came back home to get me and the girls.

A little back story regarding current listening pleasures in our family vehicle ... My girls are on a Keith Urban kick. And not just Keith Urban, but specifically his hit single: Kiss A Girl. Every time we get in the car it's: "Keith Urban please." "#1 please."

So we get in the car this morning ...

Amanda: Keith Urban please.

Henry: No. Let's listen to some music that actually glorifies Jesus while we're driving to church.

Amanda: Oh man.

Henry: No 'Kiss a Girl' this morning. Not that there's anything wrong with kissing a girl.

I look over at Henry.

Henry back peddaling: I mean, for me.

I look back over at Henry.

Henry: I mean, nothing wrong with me kissing the right girl.

Nice save, Honey.

Meg's Favorite

Megan had some math homework a few night's ago. After getting "sick" in school during math time the other day, I didn't have very high expectations. In fact, to be honest, I was down right dreading it.

Well this homework was all about shapes and fractions. As I watched her work through the problems, I found myself quite impressed, and more importantly, quite RELIEVED. She was grasping the concepts that were set before her, thank the LORD!!

Me: Megan, I'm very impressed with how well you're doing on your math.

Megan: I know.

Me: You're really doing a great job.

Megan: Yeah, math is my favorite sport.

Me: I can tell.

Family Car Time

We're down to one car for a little while. Yeah it's inconvenient at times, but it's also kinda' nice to have the imposed family time. Here's this morning's conversation on the ride to school ...

Megan: Why doesn't our roof ever have frost on it?

Me: It faces a direction that the sun hits more than houses facing a different direction.

Henry: Our house faces South. The houses you see the most frost on are facing North.

Amanda (pointing to the left and right): Is that way North and that way South?

Me: Yes.

Henry: So which way is East?

Amanda points to the West and Megan points to the East.

Me: Megan's right.

Megan: Ha! Ha! I got it right.

Amanda: Hey, she's bragging!

Megan: So what? You brag about your farts!

Amanda: I do not!

Henry: Well maybe you don't brag about 'em, but you sure do have a proud look on your face afterwards.

See what an edifying conversation we would have missed out on had we been able to take separate cars this morning?