Tissue Teeth Cleaning

I prayed with Megan tonight at bedtime. The room was dark, so I couldn't see her mouth, but when she spoke, it sounded ... uh ... full.


Me: Megan, what's in your mouth?

Megan: Tissue.

Me: Why?

Megan: I'm cleaning my teeth.

Me: With a tissue?

Megan: Yeah.

Me: Where in the world would you get such an idea?

Megan: Michael did it in class one time.

Me: Okaaay ... is it working?

Megan: Mmm hmm, and it tastes like cake.

Me: Really. And just how long are you supposed to keep it in your mouth?

Megan: 30 minutes or 10, maybe 12.

Me: Just don't fall asleep with it in your mouth.

Megan: Kay.

Me: Still standing in the doorway of her room.

Megan: What? Why are you still standing there?

Me: You're a piece of work.

Megan: What's that mean?

Me: You're somethin' else.

Megan: What does THAT mean?

Me: You're one of a kind.

Megan: Sigh. What does THAT mean?

Me: I love you. Good night.



Note: Megan came out of her room a few minutes later to retrieve her pink pillow from the family room ... the tissue was gone, and her teeth were super clean, in her opinion.

WHOOPEE!!

Took the girls to John's Incredible Pizza tonight because they had been given free meal coupons during the last week of school as a reward for good behavior throughout the year.

For those of you who don't know, John's Incredible Pizza is similar to Chuck E. Cheese, but with much better food. For those of you who are still in the dark ... it's a pizza place with a huge arcade where you can win tickets to later cash in for junky prizes.

The girls each ended up with 300 tickets to spend. Amanda picked several little things (mini deck of cards, frisbee, etc.) Megan, on the other hand, chose to spend her wad on none other than the classic Whoopee Cushion. Who needs a son with a daughter like her?

Amanda: Mom, can you believe Megan used almost all of her tickets on a Whoopee Cushion?

Me: Uh, yeah.

Amanda: You know what would have been better?

Me: What?

Amanda: At Walgreens for like 3 bucks, they have Whoopee Cushions that reinflate themselves so you can fart as much as you want!

Me: As much as you want? Megan already does that on her own.

Amanda: True.

Crocs & Costco

Made a trip to Costco tonight. Before getting in the car, Amanda discovered a bag of shoes in the garage. Shoes that no longer fit her. Hence the GARAGE.

She was perfectly fine wearing her turquoise flips, until she spotted the pink Crocs! She grabbed them quickly on her way to the car ...

Amanda: Mom, do you think I should wear my turquoise flip-flops or my pink Crocs?

Me: The Crocs don't fit you anymore.

Amanda: Yes, they do.

Me: No, they don't.

Amanda: They DO.

Me: Then wear those.

Amanda: Megan, which shoes do YOU think I should wear?

Megan: The pink (Crocs).

Amanda: Dad, do you think I should wear the pink Crocs or the turquoise flip-flops?

Henry: I don't care.

Me: Megan & I already said the pink Crocs, so why are you asking Dad?

Amanda: Because I want to know what he thinks.

Me: Fine. I changed my mind. Wear the turquoise (flip-flops).

Megan: Tur-QUOISE! Tur-QUOISE! Tur-QUOISE!

Amanda puts on the pink Crocs. We pull into Costco's parking lot, Amanda gets out of the car and then switches to her turquoise flips.

Me: Seriously?

Amanda: I just remembered; Crocs make my feet all sweaty.

OH MY WORD!!

Birth Days

Megan: How does a mom know when her daughter's birthday is?

Me: Well, it's a big enough ordeal (trust me) that a mom remembers exactly when her baby is born, and what day it is.

Megan: Blank stare.

Me: Why do you ask?

Megan: Because I probably wouldn't know when my baby's birthday is.

Me: Yes, you will Meg. Don't worry.

Isn't it amazing what little minds are concerned with? When I was Meg's age, maybe a little older, I saw a hospital scene on TV of a woman giving birth. I remember the woman yelling from the apparent pain. As I continued to watch, I tried to figure out what could possibly be so painful. Then I saw them ... the stirrups! Clearly THAT was what all the fuss was about. I made a mental note right then and there to refuse the stirrups when the time came for me to deliver a baby.

Oh, if only ...

Karate Kid?

While getting ready for bed tonight ...

Megan: Mom, I wanna' learn Karate.

Me: Why?

Megan: Because I want to punch wood.

Me: You want to punch wood.

Megan: And kick it.

Me: What has wood ever done to you?

Megan: Give me splinters.

Me: I'll think about it.

Megan Etiquette 101

The girls were invited to go swimming at Noah's house down the street. Noah is about 6 years old, and has this love/hate relationship with my girls. He loves to play with them because it's better than playing alone. But he also hates playing with them because they only want to do girly stuff.

On their way out the door I called out ...

Me: Be careful in the pool, and be respectful to Noah's mom!

Megan: We know, we know!! No farting, and that includes arm farts.

Me: Uh, right.

Hero Hair

It's VBS week at church!! This year's theme is Hero Headquarters. I was asked several months ago if I would be in the nightly skits, but didn't find out until I was already committed to the task that my role would be that of Water Woman. (Really? Water Woman? Hmmm ... Can't say that wearing spandex was anywhere on my summer "To Do" list, but okay.)

So last night I was trying to figure out how Water Woman might wear her hair. I had the goggles on my forehead and was pulling all my bangs up into a pony tail on top of my head when Megan walked in ...

Megan (eyes big with terror): WHAT are you DOING?

Me: I'm fixing my Water Woman hair-do.

Megan: Uh ...

Me: What? You don't think it looks good?

Megan: NOOOOO.

I looked in the mirror. She was right. I've never been able to pull off the whole bang-less forehead look. So I brushed it all out and started over, because I'm secure like that. All the while, Meg was standing there making sure I came up with an acceptable alternative. And I guess I don't blame her. It's bad enough to have your mother as a VBS super hero (although I think she secretly likes it), not to mention one who wears rubber gloves and miniature water wings. But to have your mom go out in public with her bangs looking like a palm tree on top of her head? NOT GONNA' HAPPEN. Not on Meg's watch anyway.

Me (hair down with bangs): Okay, is that better?

Megan (looks me over slowly): Better.

Works for me.

Sucked In

A few weeks ago the girls and I were walking into Target when a young gal in her 20's stopped us. She told me how beautiful my girls were, and how a talent agency had sent her out to find new talent. She thought my girls had great faces for "print work", and who knows, they might even get to be an extra on Hannah Montana or iCarly. If we were interested in auditioning, we were to be at a nearby hotel within the hour.

I thanked the gal for her kind words and ushered my girls into the store.

Amanda: Can you believe it? I'm gonna' be on iCarly!

Me: That's not what she said.

Amanda: Or Hannah Montana! Can we go, Mom? Can we? Can we?!

Me: We'll see. "We'll see" normally means "no", but I found myself actually considering it.

As soon as we got into the store we saw some friends who had also been "discovered" and invited to the auditions. You'd think that would be enough for me to realize there must be a "catch" to it all, but noooooo.

So we headed to the auditions. I know. So gullible. When we arrived, I couldn't believe how many people were there. After filling out some paperwork, we were directed into a room where we saw a video of young "stars" making thousands of dollars a day. Once that was over, we had the pleasure of listening to some gal talk 30-40 minutes on the importance of going to an audition "prepared". I still wasn't getting it.

It was around this time (90 minutes after arriving) that Megan decided she wanted nothing to do with the audition. I asked Amanda if she still wanted to stay. I believe her words were, "Heck yeah."

Now it was Amanda's turn to audition. She left the room we were in along with about 200 other child stars in the making.

Then the gal started talking to us about how if our child was selected from their audition, they were there, ready to sign them up for classes (acting, singing, dancing, modeling) to help them be successful in their future auditions.

DING!! DING!! DING!! DING!! The light bulb finally went on. We were invited here to give these people money for lessons!!! Helloooo? How did I not clue into this sooner?

Megan and I waited another 45 minutes for Amanda to finish her audition. The next step was to wait in line to find out if she "had what it took" for the "business". And now I knew they meant the "business of being ripped off".

As we were standing in line, I let Amanda in on my revelation ...

Me: Amanda, while you were out, the gal told us parents that if they think you're good enough, they want us to sign up for a bunch of acting classes.

Amanda: Really?

Me: Really. And I have to be honest with you, even if they say you're good enough, we don't have a lot of extra money, or time, for a bunch of acting classes.

Amanda: No, we don't. And besides, if God really wanted me to be in acting, He would have already given us a bunch of extra money for the acting lessons. But since He hasn't done that, maybe we should just go home.

Me: Maybe we should. I'm very proud of you.

Amanda: Okay, let's go. The audition was boring anyway.

Me: And you know that this is what you'd be doing all the time if you went into acting ... go to auditions with hundreds of people ... wait around while they decide if they like you or not.

Amanda: Acting sucks.

Me: Don't say "sucks", honey.

Amanda: Okay, acting stinks.

Me: Yep.

I'm BORED!

What is it about the phrase, "I'm bored" that makes me so crazy? My eldest says it ALL THE TIME, and it drives me nuts. So far today she's been swimming at the neighbor's house and at our house. Just a few minutes ago I saw her watching TV while sitting on top of the coffee table ...

Me: Amanda, why are you sitting on top of the coffee table?

Amanda: Because I'm BORED.

Me: You're BORED?!

Amanda: Yep.

Me: You know, that's probably what your tombstone is gonna' say:

Amanda Kate Grimmius

She was BORED

Amanda: And hungry. I'm always hungry.

Me: Okay:

Amanda Kate Grimmius

She was BORED & HUNGRY

Lifeguard Mom

The other day when I got home from work, the girls were begging to go swimming. It was nearing 100 degrees outside, so naturally the pool was calling. They got their suits on, I applied sunscreen, and we were out the door. Thankfully, it was only 80+ degrees in the shade of our covered patio, and with the slight breeze plus a glass of ice water, I was ready for lifeguard duty. Or so I thought.

I was kickin' back in an adirondack chair with our two puppies draped across my lap, when I began dreaming that one of my girls was calling out to me, "Mom! Mom! Watch this! Watch this!! MOM!!! MOMMMM!!!!!"

It was then that I apparently WOKE UP to find that Megan really was calling me.

Thankfully, my girls are strong swimmers, but STILL ... I probably need to make sure I take whatever precautions necessary to actually STAY AWAKE while on future lifeguard duty.

DISCLAIMER: In the rare case that any of my readers work for CPS ... uh, I was just kidding about the whole falling asleep thing. No, really.

Consistent Parenting

The girls had a dental appointment yesterday for a check-up and cleaning. They both received a good "report card" (whew!), so we went to Dollar Tree to celebrate by picking up some new water toys for the pool. While we were there ...

Megan, pointing to a giant pixie stick: Mom, can we get this?

Me: No.

Amanda: Mom, look! (pointing to my favorite Reese's) Can we get some?

Me: NO. You two just got your teeth cleaned at the dentist. The last thing I'm gonna' do is buy you SUGAR.

Megan: I reeeeally have to go pee.

Me: Well you're not gonna' go here. There's a McDonald's across the parking lot. How 'bout if we go there, use their restroom, and then get an ice cream cone!

Girls: YEAH!!!





Like I said, NO SUGAR.

Free Speech

Megan: Mom, Amanda doesn't like my freely given opinion.

Me: What did you freely give your opinion on?

Megan: Her cherry limeade drink.

Me: You tasted it?

Megan: Yes, she said I could.

Me: Did you like it?

Megan: No, and now she's mad because I gave her my opinion freely.

Me: People usually don't want someone's opinion, free or not, if it's negative, just FYI.

Megan: Well it was freely given.

Me: Sigh.

Computers & Polly Pockets

Amanda is on the computer a lot. Her first obsession was Webkinz. Now she's discovered Disney and Nickelodeon shows. (This is a big deal because we are one of the ten families in America who do not have cable.) Megan would like to get in on the computer action, but Amanda just seems to always beat her to it. Before bed last night, Megan asked Henry if she could be first on the computer the following morning. He said she could.

While I was tucking Megan into bed ...

Megan: Mom, can you wake me up early tomorrow morning? Dad said I can have the computer first.

Me: Sorry, tomorrow's my day off, so I'm sleeping in. You can go on the computer whenever you wake up.

So, this morning arrives, I wake up at 9:00 a.m. to find Amanda on the computer and Megan sound asleep. At 9:30 a.m. I tell Amanda that I'm going to take a shower, and that as soon as Megan wakes up, she is to surrender the computer to her.

I'm in the shower when Megan runs in crying.

Megan: Amanda won't give me the computer, and Dad said I could have it first this morning!

Me: I already reminded Amanda of that, so go back and tell her I said to give the computer to you.

I finish showering, and open the door just as Megan is coming back in, still crying.

Megan: She won't give it to me!

Me: Are you kidding me? What is wrong with her?

Megan: Are you gonna' tell her?

Me: Apparently so.

I walk into the family room, remove the headphones from Amanda's ears and the laptop from her lap. She yells, "Everybody hates me!" (Okay, this doesn't work for Megan, so why she thinks it will work for her, I have NO idea.) She storms off down the hallway and into her room.

I get Megan set up on the computer and return to the bathroom to try and finish the "getting ready" ritual, but oh no. Now Amanda comes in complaining ...

Amanda: I took the Polly Pockets into the family room and Megan said I couldn't play with them!

Me: Meg's on the computer, what does she care?

Amanda: I don't know, but she took them away from me and put them back in her room.

Me: For the record: This is RIDICULOUS!! Go get the Polly Pockets and take them back to the family room. You can tell Meg I gave you permission to play with them.

I turn the hair dryer back on, and am actually able to finish getting ready without further interruption.

I walk out to the family room to find the computer on next to Amanda, playing some teeny-bopper show, while she and Megan play together with the Polly Pockets.

Typical.

You hate me!

I've never been one of those people who yells at someone, storms off, then comes back 5 minutes later acting like nothing's wrong. (If I'm mad enough to yell at you, I'll probably give you the silent treatment instead.)


I'm starting to think that Megan IS one of those people (who yells at you, storms off, then comes back 5 minutes later acting like nothing's wrong.)


Whenever I say something to her that makes her mad, she stomps off yelling, "You hate me! You hate me!"


I used to argue with her, but now I just laugh.


This afternoon it happened again. I can't even remember what set her off, but Amanda and I were in the kitchen when something made Meg mad ... she stomped off yelling, "You hate me!" Amanda and I laughed.


I wish I'd set the timer, because I'm pretty sure it was 5 minutes exactly when Megan came out:



Megan: Who wants a present? Raise your hand.


Me: Would that be a 'You hate me' present?


Megan looking embarrassed: No.


Me: Okay, I'll take a present.





Inside the gift bag was an Easter egg with broken crayons, and a jewelry box with a tarnished ring and even more tarnished necklace.



I'll take the present to mean that she knows I don't hate her afterall.

Everybody Poops (not everybody blogs about it)

While sitting on the pot (not sure why I'm sharing this), Meg barged in, like she always does.

Meg: Are you going poop?

Me: Yep.

Meg: I told you so!

Me: Huh?

Meg: Good job, Mom. That's very responsible of you.

Me: Thank you?

Perhaps you had to be there. Not that you should have been there ... that would be wrong on many levels. But I found this little exchange quite humorous. My apologies if I crossed the line with my blogging content. I do not intend for this to be a frequent topic.

Meg & Phone (not megaphone)

Megan has a new fascination: The Phone.

She's known about the phone for a long time, but now she actually wants to make her own calls to friends. (What in the world do 6 year olds have to talk about?)

Anyway, I need to backtrack a little, and change the subject somewhat ... Amanda's last birthday party (with friends) was her 8th (I hate to think what 8 birthday parties cost us, but "eight is enough".) Now she is allowed to invite one friend over to help celebrate her birthday each year.

Megan will be turning 7 at the end of July, so she technically can have 2 more birthday parties with friends.

Okay, back to the phone thing.

This evening, about 10 minutes before dinner was to be served, Megan tells me that she wants to call Nikki (her friend down the street), to invite her to spend the night for her birthday.

Me: Honey, your birthday isn't for like 6 or 7 weeks.

Megan: I know, but I want to call her and invite her.

Me: Wait. Are you choosing to have a friend spend the night for your birthday, instead of having a big party?

Megan: Yeah.

Me: Here's the phone.

This is too good to be true.

Megan returns with a weird look on her face.

Me: Was Nikki home?

Megan: Yes, but when she answered I realized that she's not the one I wanted to spend the night. I hate it when that happens.

She gave me the name of the intended invitee.

Me: You didn't invite Nikki to spend the night then, did you?

Megan: NO. But I need to call my other friend now and invite HER instead.

Me: I'm sorry, but I don't have her phone number here. I can get it from the office tomorrow.

Just then the door bell rings. I answer it. It's Nikki. Turns out that in Meg's attempt to not invite Nikki to spend the night, she invited her to come over and play instead, forgetting that dinner was in her immediate future.

I gotta' hand it to her though ... she thought pretty quick under pressure. Once she realized she'd called the wrong friend, she was still able to invite her to something. Even if that something was a walk down the street to get turned away by me.

Now I better remember that phone number tomorrow before she changes her mind about the party. Don't judge me ...

Communion

We were served communion in church today. My girls have both asked Jesus into their hearts, so they are allowed to participate in this most holy remembrance. Unfortunately, it isn't until we're in the thick of it that I realize that I forgot to talk to them about the importance of being completely reverent during such a time as this.

The elements were passed out, and our pastor was reminding us of the bread's meaning ...

Amanda: Mom, can I have your little cup when you're done with it?

Mom: Uh, sure.

Megan: Mom, can I have your cup when it's empty?

Mom: Sorry, your sister beat you to it.

Megan: Okay, then can I have your cup the next time we do this?

Mom: Of course.

Megan: Tell Amanda. Tell her she can't have it next time because you promised it to ME.

Mom: I will do no such thing.

The pastor continues to speak.

Amanda: Putting the wafer up to her nose, This smells familiar.

Me: Shhhh.

Megan: When are we gonna' eat already?

Mom: Shhhh!

Our pastor leads us in the partaking of the bread. I look over at Megan who, thankfully, is chewing with her mouth closed. Just a few more moments, and the "wine" will be consumed with (fingers crossed) no spillage.

Amanda: Remember, Mom, I get your cup.

Me: Evil eye.

Megan: Can we drink yet?

Me: No, you can't drink yet. Just wait. He'll tell us when it's time.

Megan: Big sigh.

We're given the go ahead to drink. Megan looks at me and lifts her cup as if to say, "Cheers", which she's actually said during a previous communion service.

Sorry, Lord. I'll talk to them ...

My trash, their treasure.

School's been out a week for my girls. The school's business office, where I'm employed, is still open. So yesterday morning they were hanging around while I tried to get work done. I finally realized that I should try to come up with a "job" of some sort to keep them occupied. I found some binders that contained useless information and asked Amanda to empty the contents into the trash. Instead of putting them in the trash, however, I saw her making a stack on my bookshelf.

Me: What are you doing?

Amanda: Cleaning out your binders.

Me: I mean with the paper. Why aren't you putting it in the trash?

Amanda: Because I'm going to keep it.

Me: What?

Amanda: I want to play school with it at home.

Me: It's TRASH. If there's something we DON'T need at our house, it's more paper.

Just then Megan walks up and starts rummaging through my recycling bin.

Me: And what do you think YOU'RE doing?

Megan: Looking for envelopes.

Me: Why?

Megan: I want to fill them with mail for you.

Me: All of that is in the trash for a REASON. I don't need it. I don't want it. It's TRASH.

I then look over at Amanda's stack to see that it's now 12 inches high.

Me: And just how do you think you're going to carry all of that to the car?

Amanda: With my arms. Hello?

Me: Ugh!

Megan finds what she wants and asks if she can borrow my staple remover.

Me: Why do you need my staple remover?

Megan: Because there are some old staples in the bulletin boards that don't have paper on them.

Me: So?

Megan: I'm gonna' start collecting old staples.

Me: Of course you are.

What's next? Dryer lint? Fingernail clippings? I mean really, the possibilities for useless crap that could be "collected" are ENDLESS!!

"I" before "E" ...

Tonight we had dessert @ Cold Stone Creamery (yummers in the tummers). There's a bookstore next door, so while walking around with our ice cream, Amanda and I found ourselves looking in the bookstore window. There was a book displayed by "Reader's Digest".

Amanda: Reader's Digest. Whenever a "G" is followed by an "I", "E" or "Y", it makes the "J" sound.

Me: Where'd you learn that?

Amanda: EVERYONE knows that.

Me: I'VE never heard that rule. Did you learn it in school?

Amanda: No. The Electric Company, duh.

Me: The only rule I remember is "I" before "E" except after "C".

Henry: Yeah, but there are exceptions to that rule.

Amanda: "Except after C" ... that IS the exception, Dad.

Henry: Uh, right.

"Girl" doesn't follow this rule, btw. So much for The Electric Company, duh.

Ready, Set, GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY!!

I think I've mentioned before that my oldest daughter, Amanda, is an infomercial addict. She doesn't channel surf for cartoons, but rather for 30 minutes of heavy product pushing.

A week or more ago, I had a weak moment. I think it must have been an hour or so before dinner time on a Saturday, and realizing I'd have to cook AGAIN in a few minutes (and by "cook" I mean "warm up"), I found myself swept away by Cathy Mitchell's infomercial for her Redi Set Go meal maker gadget. I wouldn't have even thought twice about it, except they did that, we'll throw in an extra one FREE if you call in the next 26 minutes ... all you'll have to pay for is the extra shipping thing. Well, that plus the fact that Amanda was sitting next to me saying things like:

"We could totally use one of those things, Mom."

"You know why we need one? Because you hate to cook, and those meals only take 7 minutes!"

"Look! They'll even give you Cathy's recipes for $1.00 meals."

"Wow! You can cook steak in that thing! And you know how much I loooove steak."

"You work so hard all day, Mom. Why wouldn't you want one of those?"

Okay, so I wrote down the phone number and Amanda asked, "What are you doing?"

I said, "I'm gonna' order that thing."

Well, you wouldda' thought it was Christmas or something. Amanda proceeded to dance around singing some song about how we were getting a Redi Set Go machine, and how much better life would be because of it.

Fast forward 7-10 business days ...

The box arrives. We take the contents out and display them on the kitchen table.

Megan picks up the recipe book and turns it over to see creator Cathy Mitchell's photo on the back.

Megan: "Mom, she looks like she wants to take all your money."

Me: "She does, and she has."

The postage was almost as much as the "one" product itself. Don't judge me. My kids hafta eat.

got milk?

The other night at dinner the family was discussing how we were almost out of milk ...


Megan: Mom, why don't YOU make some milk?

Me: Uh, been there done that, don't plan on doing it EVER again.

Megan: Huh?

Me: motions to motherly milk jugs.

Megan: Not that, I mean get a cow and squeeze it's tummy for some milk.

Me: No, thank you.

I do believe I've earned the right to purchase bottled milk from a grocery store. And may I just say that it's worth every penny.