Praying out Loud

The other night at bedtime, while I was praying with Megan, I sensed something odd. I couldn't quite figure out what it was, but I knew something was different.

When I finished praying, and opened my eyes, I saw what it was.

Megan was holding a Hannah Montana microphone to my mouth.

I looked at her quizzically.

Megan: What? I wanted to make sure He could hear you.

Eavesdropping

Henry leaves for church anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour before we do. Every once in a while he forgets something like his phone, computer or the like. This is no problem if he realizes what he's forgotten before we leave, because he just calls and we bring the item with us.

This past Sunday he forgot his watch. When the phone rang, Megan answered it ...

Megan: Hello? Oh hi, Dad. Uh huh. Okay. Is there anything else you need me to bring? Okay. Love you. Bye.

A few minutes later ...

Megan: Dad forgot his watch.

Me: Oh, is that why he called?

Megan: Yeah.

Me: It was very nice of you to ask him if he needed you to bring anything else for him.

Megan: Hey, were you eardropping?

Me: You mean eavesdropping?

Megan: Whatever. Were you listening to my phone conversation?

Me: Yeah, sorry.

The Voice

Megan was with me in the Starbucks drive-thru when the Barista's voice came through the squawk box sounding like Guy Smiley. It was so over the top, you couldn't help but laugh.

Megan: He sounds like my principal.

Me: I don't think your principal works at Starbucks.

Megan: How do you know? Maybe he does on the weekends.

We drive up to the window and see that the voice is much bigger and darker than Megan's principal.

Me: See? I told you it wasn't him.

Megan: Or he just put on a new head

Me: Or that.

3rd Grade

While driving to school yesterday morning ...




Megan: I wish I could be a bird like that one over there.

Me: Why's that?

Megan: Because then I could fly away from my teacher and homework.





Guess after 8 days of 3rd grade, the honeymoon is officially over.

Getting the Message

I looked over at my girls during the pastor's message Sunday and hoped that their less-than-interested body language wouldn't distract him from what he was trying to communicate to our congregation. Amanda was sleeping (Always a good ego-boost for a pastor, I'm sure.) and Meg was playing her Nintendo DSi (Are there any other parents out there who let their kids do this during a church service, knowing that they'll be going to Sunday School next and learn there? Or am I like the worst Christian mother out there? Be gentle with me.)



Just when I was justifying to myself, why I allow my girls to sleep and play games during an inspirational message, our pastor said, "What parent wouldn't want to reason with their child, instead of discipline them? Parents don't want to discipline their kids."



That's when Meg turned to me and said, "Yeah, Mom, don't discipline your kids."



Oh sure, THAT part she hears.

Meg 101

I think the word "random" is overused. And when that happens to a word, I make a point to not use it. Why? I don't know. Out of spite, I guess. Which is lame, but there it is.

That said, I'm going to break my rule and say that Megan comes up with some ridiculously random thoughts every now and again.

Here's what popped out on the way home from school yesterday ...

Megan: I'm the one who told Nikki that Leprechauns aren't real.

Me: Yes, I remember.

Megan: And I ALSO told her about Jesus.

Me: Two very important things. Good job, Meg.

Wisenheimer

Me: We still need to send out thank you notes for your birthday gifts.

Megan: AND we still need to send out thank you notes for my birthday gifts.

Me: That's what I just said.

Megan grinning: I thought it sounded familiar.

Me: Right.

Water Polo?

Amanda: Mom, what's water polo?

Me: It's like volleyball in the pool.

Amanda: What do you mean?

Me: There's a ball that the teams volley back and forth while treading water the whole time.

Amanda: Oh, so it's like volleyball, but in the pool.

Brilliant, isn't she?

Okay ... and for all you sports people out there who really know what water polo is, MY APOLOGIES. I've actually never watched water polo, and had to Google the definition after this conversation with Amanda. Based on what I read, water polo is more like soccer in the pool than volleyball. Am I right? Yeah, whatever. I've never claimed to be a sports person. And now that I know what water polo really is, sort of ... why in the world would anyone subject themselves to such a game, anyway? Crazy athletic people.

New School Shoes

Why is it that new school shoes fit perfectly in the store, but when your child puts them on the morning of the first day of school ... they slip up and down on her heel?!

We went to 2 stores trying to find new tennis shoes for Megan. The first store was a bust, because they didn't carry 1/2 sizes, not to mention the fact that none of the shoes there appealed to her anyway.

The second store didn't really have any shoes that she liked either, but she must have noticed the look of exasperation on my face because all of a sudden, one pair looked promising. She tried them on and said they fit fine. I, having been burned in the past, didn't believe her and demanded that she run up and down the shoe aisle to be sure.

Yep. They fit GREAT!!

I went to pay for them and noticed that the bottoms of the shoes looked dirty, as if they'd been worn before. Since it was the only pair in that size, we were given a discount on the already low sale price, thus only having to pay $7.20! Woo hoo!!

Fast forward about 20 hours. As we're trying to get out the door, in an attempt to not be late the first day of school, Megan announces that her shoes don't fit.

Me: Pardon me?

Megan: My shoes don't fit. They're slipping in the back when I walk.

Me: They didn't slip yesterday.

Megan: Well they're slipping TODAY. I'll go get my old ones.

Me: Ugh.

So she came back with her ratty, black high-tops from last year. Perfect.

We weren't able to find other shoes that night, so the next morning she pulled out her old black winter boots to wear with her jean capri pants!! Hello??? It's like 95 degrees outside, not to mention the fact that the boots were in worse condition than the high tops. UGH!!!

You better believe we high-tailed it to the Sketchers Outlet right after school that day, and found a pair of tennis shoes that fit, FOR REAL. She wore them all the next day with no complaints.

First week of school, and the shoe situation just about did me in.

Love at First Sight

Megan: How did you meet Dad again?

Me: Grandma Judi introduced us.

Megan: And what did you guys say to each other?

Me: I think Grandma said something like, "Henry, I'd like you to meet my daughter, Tami." And then ...

Megan: And then your eyes turned into hearts?

Me: Yeah, something like that.

Self-Infliction

Have you ever tried to embarrass your kids out of a bad behavior? I've tried a few times, but it never works. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm gonna stop trying.

So Meg likes to give herself hickies on her arm. Nice, huh?

I thought I'd try (one more time) to embarrass her from doing it again.

Me: Megan, that looks so bad.

Megan shrugs as if to say she doesn't care.

Me: What are you going to tell your friends when they ask you what happened to your arm?

Megan: I'll tell them I bit it until it made a mark.

Me: Oh.

Dang it.

Letting Herself Go

Megan got out of the pool and walked over to me ...

Megan: Mom, can you go get Fat Ariel?

Me: 'Fat' Ariel?

Megan: Yeah. You know, the one that swims? I wanna' take her in the pool.

Behold 'Fat' Ariel:

If she's fat, then I'm never leaving the house again.

Changing the Subject

The girls had a friend over for dinner the other night. Megan apparently felt the need to give their guest a heads-up on Amanda's dinner behavior ...

Megan: Just to warn you, Amanda farts a LOT at the dinner table.

Me: Uh, could we talk about something a little less disgusting while we're eating?

Megan: Sure. She also likes toast.

Me: Thank you.

Meg's Baby Plan

The other day over lunch ...


Megan: How do you get a Japanese baby?

Amanda: You have to marry a Japanese husband.

Me: Or adopt.

Megan: Yeah. THAT'S what I'll do. Adopt.

Japanese men, please take note. Megan is not interested. She'll get her Japanese baby some other way. Thanks all the same.

Meg's Obsession

Megan has decided she wants to spend some of her birthday money on a lamp and "The Clapper". I'm not even kidding.

Yeah. Apparently she's 87.

What's next? The Med-Alert necklace so when she takes a spill she can say, "I've fallen and I can't get up!?"

Safe Facial Masks

Megan: Last night we we did avocado masks at Lexi's house.

Me: Oh yeah?

Megan: Yeah. And cucumbers on our eyes too.

Me: Wow.

Megan: The avocado mask is clear and makes you look like a Barbie when it dries. It's so good. You should try it.

Me: You think so?

Megan: Yeah, and it peels off without even any blood.

Me: That IS good.

Shorts = Tank Tops, Right?

The girl's school has a dress code. As long as they've attended this school, the only shorts allowed have been uniform shorts. They would rather wear jeans in 100+ degree weather than wear uniform shorts. Last week that all changed.

Me: Guess what I found out today?

Megan: What?

Me: This year you can wear shorts to school, and they don't have to be uniform shorts!

Megan: Does that mean we can wear tank tops?

Me: I said SHORTS.

Megan: I know. So can we wear TANK TOPS?

Me: No.

Megan: Why not? Don't they know that girls don't have arm pit hair?!

Me: I'm sure they do, but what does that have to do with shorts?

Megan: I'm talking about TANK TOPS, Mom.

Me: Right.

Movie Stars

Henry and I were talking in the kitchen when Megan walked up ...

Megan: Can I have a cupcake?

Me: I don't care.

Megan: Goody!

Henry and I carry on with our conversation while Meg gets a cupcake and then stands there watching us talk.

Me: What?

Megan holding her cupcake: All I need now is popcorn and butter.

Me: Huh?

Megan: To watch the 3D movie. All I need now is popcorn and butter.

Me: What 3D movie?

Megan motioning to the two of us: Right here. 3D movie.

Who is she?

Bummer Birthday to Blissful Bedtime

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was Megan's 8th birthday.

I thought it started out fine. She woke up. She opened her presents before eating breakfast. Henry came home at lunch, and rather than make her wait for evening, we let her blow out the candles and eat some birthday cake right then and there. I took her shopping so she could blow through the birthday money she'd received that week. I mean, what else could she want, right?

Well, that night she sat next to me on the couch (while I was taking a much deserved Facebook break after cleaning all afternoon in preparation for her party the next day.)

Megan: Today didn't really feel like my birthday.

Me: And why is that?

Megan: Well, you didn't let me play with my friends ...

Me: I said 'No' to Nikki coming over because it was your birthday and I wanted it to be family only. You've played together every day this summer.

Megan: AND you wouldn't let me go swimming ...

Me: That's because after taking you shopping, I had to start cleaning the house for YOUR party tomorrow. I couldn't watch you swim and clean at the same time.

Megan: AND you wouldn't let me play with my toys ...

Me: If you're talking about the DQ Blizzard Machine, I told you I could help you with it after I was done cleaning the house, AND making cupcakes for your party tomorrow. I also told you that if you'd rather I help you with the Blizzard Machine right then, I could skip making the cupcakes, but you said you wanted them. So we'll have to wait until tomorrow to make the Blizzards. I'm sorry you haven't liked your birthday, but I've done all I can do to make it a good one.


I found it interesting that she didn't mention the 30 minutes she had to spend in her room for being defiant to me earlier. Now there's a happy birthday moment.

Megan left. I turned off the computer, too irritated to continue and began the daunting task of cleaning her room. My last "gift" to her would hopefully be a tidy room that she would be comfortable showing her friends the next day at her party. She'd received new zebra bedding as a gift, and was quite excited with it. I, however, didn't feel it was very well showcased when surrounded by mounds of junk on her dresser and headboard.

I don't remember what time I started cleaning her room, but I do remember that it was 10:30 PM when I finished (and I still hadn't started on the cupcakes!)

Meg walked in and gasped at the beautiful organization.

Megan: Wow, Mom. You did good.

That night Megan's prayer began like this ...

"Dear Jesus, thank you for a WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY today" (pause) I looked up at her face to see her nodding her head as if to convey that my final "gift" had saved the day.


I smiled and closed my eyes, trying not to fall asleep during the rest of her prayer, from total exhaustion. Birthdays wear me out.

Good Luck with That

Megan was in my office the other day and after keying in several numbers on the calculator, she tore off the tape, wrote on it and handed it to me.

Megan: Save this for me, Mom.

Me: Will do.

The photo is terrible, so let me tell you what it is ... it's this never-ending list of numbers and she's written next to it, "This is my locker number". I hope she doesn't mean locker combination, because that would send anyone to the funny farm. And what 8 year old is even thinking about a locker anyway?

Now if she'd written "This is my bank balance", that would be something to talk about!

Planning Ahead

As the girls were waiting to ride over to their friends' house the other day ...

Megan: Excuse me.

Me: What for?

Megan smiles

Me: Wait, are you gonna' fart?

Megan: Yep. That way I can have good manners at the Raynes' house.

So ... should I be proud here or what?

I'm the WIFE

It was Sunday afternoon, and I was getting ready to head to the grocery store now that Henry was home. Megan hadn't seen her neighbor friend for like 24 hours, and she was desperate for a little play time.

Megan: Can I call Nikki to play?

Me: You'll have to ask Dad, because I'm leaving and won't be here.

Megan: Could you ask him?

Me: Why me? You're the one who wants to play with her.

Megan: Yeah, but you're his wife, and he always says "yes" to his wife.

Me: Is that so?

Megan: Mmm hmm.

Me: We'll see.

So I asked Henry, and ... yeah ... she was right.

Blizzards & Biceps

Megan just had her 8th birthday. Our dear friend Roger ("Uncle" Roger to our girls) asked Megan to make out a birthday list for him to shop from. Her list in its entirety:

DQ Blizzard Machine

$4.00

Well, bless his heart, Uncle Roger got her the DQ Blizzard Machine (And no, she wasn't disappointed to not get the $4.00.)

It's basically a mini-homemade ice cream maker, only it's not electric, so you have to crank the handle for 10 minutes while the ice cream freezes.

About 5 minutes into the cranking ...

Me: Do you want me to turn it for a while?

Megan: No, I'm good.

Me: You sure?

Megan: Yeah. Besides, it's making me muscles! (showing me her now-huge biceps)

Me: So it is.

Megan: Kinda' like that guy on America's Got Talent. Remember how he was able to move his boobs up and down?

Me: I remember.

Megan: Yeah, that was weird ... and cool.