If the seat fits ...

Megan:  Where are you going?


Me:  To Orchard Supply to return this toilet seat.


Megan:  Why?


Me:  It's the wrong size.


Megan:  The wrong size for our 4 butts?


Me:  Uh, no. The wrong size for the toilet.

Carol Brady: Offender

So far I've purchased seasons 1, 2 & 3 of The Brady Bunch for my girls. They love them almost as much as I do.  


The other day ...


Megan:  Amanda, it's your turn to pick an episode.


Amanda:  Um, how about one from season 3?


Megan:  NO!!  I will NOT watch season 3 ANYMORE!


Amanda:  Why not?  What's wrong with season 3?


Megan:  Mrs. Brady's HAIR!!  Have you SEEN it?!  It's TERRIBLE!!


Me:  Oh, it's not that bad, is it?

Megan:  MOM.  It's all short like a boy in the front, and then long like a girl in the back!! Show her Amanda.






Me:  Oh yeah.

Tooth Fairy FAIL

Yesterday Amanda informed me that her tooth had come out.  But that wasn't the big news.  The BIG news was that for the first time in her 11+ years, she was actually going to put the tooth under her pillow for the Tooth Fairy! (Yes, she knows it's me.)  Up until now, she's been holding out. 


Amanda:  So I'm going to put this under my pillow.


Me:  Okay, but do the Tooth Fairy a favor and make it easy to get to.


Amanda:  How about if I put it in this little pink box?


Me:  Perfect.


The next morning,  while I'm blow-drying my hair, she comes into the bathroom shaking a pink box in my face.


Me:  Knock it off, Amanda. What is your deal?!


She just kept shaking it in my face.


And then I got it.  The TOOTH!!!  I completely forgot to cash out her tooth. Ugh!!!


Me:  Oh Amanda, I'm so sorry.


Amanda:  That's okay.  Tonight I'm going to put TWO teeth under my pillow.


Me:  Got it.


Apparently I've got a gambler on my hands. Double or nothing, I guess, huh?

3rd Graders & LIFE

The game of LIFE was on the credenza behind me when Megan and her friend stopped by my office ...


Friend:  LIFE? What's that?


Meg:  It's a game.


Me:  You've never played it before?


Friend:  No.


Meg:  Well, it's kinda' gross.


Me:  Gross??


Meg:  Yeah.  You have to get MARRIED.


Friend:  Oh, that IS gross.




There's something comforting in the knowledge that they still see marriage as gross.

Oh to be 42

Megan:  I can't wait 'till I'm your age.


Me:  Why?


Megan:  Because when I'm 42, I won't have to go to school and listen to teachers anymore.


Me:  Ah.


Megan:  How old will you be when I'm 42?


Me:  Well, let's see ... 76.


Megan:  Wow, that's OLD.


Me:  Yep.


Megan:  And when you're 76, Dad will be ...


Me:  Older.


Megan:  A LOT older!


Me:  Well, yes.





Sorry Henry. 

Worst Mother's Day Ever?

It started out just like any other Sunday. I was up and dressed for church by 6:30 AM (because choir members get to arrive by 7:30 AM), and began prodding my girls out of bed.  It was then that Amanda began crying.  A small sore that had been kind of bothering her for a week was now 2 inches in diameter and completely inflamed with infection. 

So instead of spending the morning at church, we opted for Urgent Care.

About 90 minutes later, we were in the examination room, being told that her wound would have to be lanced and drained.  She freaked.  I freaked (only on the inside though - totally kept my cool on the outside, because that's what moms do, right?! Ugh.)

Meg was with us and informed me that she had to go to the bathroom all of a sudden. Probably best.

So while Amanda was being cut open withOUT any kind of numbing agent, yours truly got to hold her down for the torture session.  Then once the knife was put down, the already extremely tender wound was squeezed mercilessly like a tube of toothpaste. All Amanda could do was scream at the top of her lungs while I kept hearing myself say, "It's alright. It's going to be alright. We prayed. Jesus is here with us. It's going to be alright." But inside my head I'm screaming with her, STOP ALREADY!!! ENOUGH!! YOU'RE HURTING MY DAUGHTER!!!!

About half way through she looked up at me and cried, "I bet this is your worst Mother's Day ever!!"  Oh my goodness.  In the midst of all her suffering, she was feeling bad for ruining my Mother's Day.  And while she was right that this one would most likely go down in history as the worst Mother's Day ever, it wasn't for the reason she thought.  It was because no mother can stand seeing her child in pain. Mother's Day is supposed to be the one day out of the year when everyone is on their best behavior and everything goes right so she can enjoy being a mom for once. At least that's how it plays out in my mind.

Well, to make a long and gruesome story a little shorter,  the doctor finished about 7-8 minutes later, announcing that the infection was caught just before going into her blood stream (thank you, Lord!!) and that antibiotics should help with the rest.

It was right about then that Megan came back.  I hadn't realized she was gone that whole time, but since the entire city block could probably hear Amanda's screams, I wasn't surprised that she had successfully stayed away for the duration of the procedure.

Later that evening ...

Megan:  Mom, do you know where I was while Amanda was screaming?

Me:  In the bathroom?

Megan:  Yeah. Sitting on the floor.

Me:  You were in there a long time.

Megan:  Yeah. And do you know what I was doing while I was in there?

Me:  Covering your ears?

Megan:  That, and praying for Amanda.

And that was when the Worst Mother's Day, officially turned into the Best Mother's Day.

Stains or Art?

Last Friday we were in such a hurry to get out the door, that I didn't even notice what Meg was wearing.


Until we arrived and she got out of the car.


Me:  Megan,  where's your school shirt? (On Fridays the kids get spirit points for wearing a t-shirt with the school's logo on it.)

Megan:  Oops, I forgot.


Me:  And look at those sweatpants. They've got a big ole stain on them!


Megan:  Where?


Me:  Right THERE.


Megan:  Oh, yeah. But look!  It's in the shape of a musical note!





And on THAT note, she walked to class with confidence and pride. 

Veggies!!

Last night Meg came up to me while I was preparing a salad ...



Megan:  Can I try a cucumber?


Me:  Sure!


Megan:  Mmmm, these are good!


Me:  Aren't they?!


Megan:  Can I have a bowl with some more?


Me:  You bet.


After serving her a bowl full of VEGETABLES and pinching myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming, I left the room for a couple of minutes. Actually, I may have even floated out of the room ... it was that glorious of a moment for me.


When I returned, reality smacked me right upside the head as I saw Megan sprinkling pouring SUGAR on her cucumbers.


Ugh!! So close ... and yet, so not.

Prayers without Pretense

Tonight I had the pleasure of hearing another classic prayer from Meg ...

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for this day.

Pray that everyone could be safe.

And PLEASE MAKE THAT BIRD SHUT UP!!

In Jesus' name, amen.

Dental Don't

Megan has a loose tooth.  It was loose when she went for her dental check-up 4 weeks ago.  After her check-up, the dentist suggested we call to schedule the extraction of the loose tooth if it didn't come out within 2 weeks.  I thought to myself, That seems a little silly. I'm sure it will fall out when it's ready ... just like all of her other baby teeth did. Hello?!


Several days later, I received a letter from the dentist, informing us that the cost for extracting her already loose baby tooth would be ... are you even ready for this? ONE HUNDRED AND SIX DOLLARS!!!

Yeah. Thanks, but NO thanks.

Having Each Other's Backs

I hope if you have kids, that you have moms in your life that can step in and cover for you when you're unable to be there to perform your duty.  Kinda' like the runner up in the Miss America pageant, only a little less glamorous and much more rewarding.


Today was one of those days.


Amanda was asked to pray for our school's year end convocation.  It was such a proud moment for me as she stood there in front of all those kids, parents and faculty and prayed for our school, state and nation.  So proud in fact, that I failed to capture the moment on film.


But later this morning, one of my mom friends texted me this:

Needless to say, I was THRILLED!!! 


Then later this afternoon, her son came to my office to ask me if I'd call his mom to pick him up because he was having a lot of stomach pain. After I did that, he asked if he could go outside for some fresh air until his mom arrived, so I went with him.  While we were out there, I felt so bad for him as he tried to walk off the pain, but didn't know what to do.  It was then that he said, "Could you talk nice to me and be like my mom while we're waiting?"  Oh my goodness, how sweet is that? So I did my best to try and keep his mind off the pain by talking about sports and guy stuff (not easy for a mother of two girls, btw.)  And pretty soon his momma arrived and they were on their way to the doctor.


About an hour later I got this text from her at the doctor's waiting room:  


"Oh my ... I have tears ... he just said, 'Mrs. Grimmius is the best fake Mom EVER!!' Thank You My Friend!!!"


Yep. Probably one of the best compliments I've received in a long time. 


FAKE MOMS UNITE!!! :)

Busted!

Megan is constantly bugging me about the necklines of my blouses.  It's not that I wear revealing clothing, but if any hint of cleavage tries to make an appearance, Meg is ALL OVER IT.


Just the other day ...


Megan:  Cover that up. It ain't pretty.


Me:  Well thanks a lot.


Megan trying to make me feel better:  On ANYONE, Mom.  It ain't pretty on anyone.


Me:  Got it.


So if you see me wearing turtlenecks this summer, you'll know why.


  

Meg's Motivation

The other day Megan had dinner at a friend's house.


Me:  So what did you have for dinner?


Megan:  Ribs!!


Me:  Ooh, your favorite!


Megan:  Yeah, but there was a lot of fat on them, so I cut it off, because I don't wanna' get fat. That way if someone says I did something that I didn't do, I'll be able to squeeze through the bars in jail and escape!

Me:  Good thinking.