I'm a pessimist, which may go without saying, but there it is anyway.
I often run the worst case scenario in my head, because that way I won't be caught off guard. And more importantly, I won't waste precious time being happy and worry-free!!
Seriously though, I often jump to the wrong, and often inappropriate, conclusion when it comes to my girls comments or questions.
Today was a perfect example of just that.
A sandwich was delivered to our office after school. The delivery guy came to my desk for a signature, and as he was walking out, Megan ran over to me with a look of COMPLETE SHOCK. Of course, I interpreted it as a look of complete HORROR.
Meg: Mom! That guy had A DUCK through THE DOORWAY!!
My mind immediately jumped to the phrase, "Your barn door is open." Why, you ask? Probably BECAUSE I'M ODD!!! I mean, who can explain such a mental catapult?!
So because my mind jumped to the barn door (aka: Your fly is down.) I thought Meg had seen something of the delivery guy that she shouldn't have seen! So I asked for clarification, with fingers crossed.
Me: He had a WHAT?
And that's when she snapped me back into the reality of a 10 year old girl ...
Meg: He had TO DUCK through the DOORWAY, because he was SO TALL.
Me: Oh, right. That.
SERIOUSLY!! What is WRONG WITH ME?! As if "He's got a duck through the doorway" is reeeeally gonna be a new catch phrase for some indecent exposure from a regular run-of-the-mill sandwich delivery guy.
I so need therapy.
Meg, like most women, does not like shopping for jeans. This can be a problem when all of your jeans from the year before are too tight. Thankfully, her aunt and uncle took her clothes shopping last July for her birthday - right before school started. Somehow they were able to get her to try on clothes at Justice, and walk out with several items INCLUDING one pair of jeans. Woo hoo!
Call me crazy, but as a mom I had some lofty idea of her starting school with more than one pair of jeans, so I took her shopping at another store. After much frustration, she found a pair she said she liked. That's all I needed to hear. Purchase made. Mom happy.
Fast forward 8-10 weeks, and I can't get her to wear ANY other jeans, except the birthday pair from Justice. I asked her why she doesn't wear the other pair I bought for her, and she said, "They're not as comfortable as these." UGH. And since I only do laundry on the weekends, they're pretty much walking around by themselves come Friday.
Last weekend, out of desperation, I made her go with me to Justice to buy a few more pairs of these magical jeans, because you KNOW the current pair is going to fall apart during some stretch exercise in PE, and THEN what?! She'll have no choice but to go to school half naked, and I know for a fact THAT is not in dress code.
We went to the rack, found the EXACT same style and size that she currently sports 24/7, and THEY DIDN'T FIT. Are you EVEN KIDDING ME?! That's right, they were too tight. So we went UP a size, and they were too big. SERIOUSLY?! Where's the JUSTICE in THAT, I ask you?!
Sadly, we left without new jeans. The problem now, because I think she's actually starting to outgrow them, is that they're too tight after coming out of the dryer.
This morning ...
Me: Have your jeans stretched out a little after wearing them yesterday?
She replied in a tone that demanded the snapping of a "Z" afterwards, and made me wonder if she was somehow part African-American ...
Meg: Yeah. Yesterday they were squeezing things that SHOULD NOT be SQUEEZED.
And all I could think (after throwing my head back laughing) was, "Girl, I hear THAT."
It's not easy raising girls, and I will most likely pull the majority of my hair out in the process, but at least there will be times like this morning when we can just laugh about how absurd womanhood can be.
I will start by stating this: My weight fluctuates. Hopefully I have some empathizers out there in blogger land.
Women: You know how you can judge your weight by your jeans? Like that pair fits if I weigh ____, and that pair fits if I weigh _____, and THAT pair will probably NEVER fit again, but just in case I ever get lucky and ingest a tapeworm, I better keep em!
Well, I tried on a pair of those jeans just now, and took a look in the mirror. They looked fine from the front, but the back looked ... odd. The denim in the very middle of my backside was darker than the rest. At first I thought it was a shadow, but another mirror told the same story. "How did this happen?" I wondered. "Do clothes fade in the closet? And if they DO, do they fade in a 3 inch vertical line like that?!" I couldn't figure it out. All I knew was that it made me look like I had either sweat profusely in between my cheeks, or worse ... had expelled some kind of bodily fluid from my lower region.
Of course, I still couldn't bring myself to discard them, so I figured I'd get a second opinion from one of my GIRLS. Yes, God knew what he was doing when he gave us girls. Even though their drama puts me right on the doorstep of INSANE 'R' US many a time, I really am thankful that Henry is the only male in our house. (Sorry Henry.)
I walked into Meg's room. She was looking at her iPad ...
Me: You're not facetiming anyone right now, are you?
I have learned to ask this FIRST, before proceeding with a possibly embarrassing or misunderstood conversation.
Meg: No, why?
Me: I need you to do something for me.
Meg: What?
Me: Look at my rear end, and tell me if my jeans look darker in the middle of my butt.
Meg: Okaaaay.
She looks. Bless her heart.
Meg: Yeah, it is.
Me: Does it look okay, or like I peed my pants?
Meg: It looks weird. Yeah, like you peed.
ME apparently STILL not wanting to let go: Soooo I shouldn't wear them then?
Meg: NO!!!
Me: Okay, okay. Thanks ... and ... sorry, I know that was awkward.
Meg: It was.
So yeah, thankful I have girls. Brutally honest girls perhaps, but girls nonetheless.
Now here's the kicker: I didn't throw out the jeans. I KNOW!!! I actually hung them BACK UP IN THE CLOSET!!!
Oh my WORD. WHAT is WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!?
I need some serious help.
OR ... someone's Bedazzler, so I can cover up the dark stripe with RHINESTONES!!! Come on!! Who's with me?!
