Being nice has never been hard for me. The fact that some people are mean to others just because they're different has never made sense to me. Although I guess there's been enough research now on bullying for us to know that many times someone who is mean to another, is only doing it to make themselves feel better, which is absurd, but whatever.
I am nowhere near perfect in this area, but since kindness tends to be my default, it floors me when people ten, fifteen, or even twenty years after the fact thank me for being nice to them back in school. Some have even said that I was the only person who reached out to them. Can that be right? If so, that is tragic.
Here's an example: My mom, after being a single parent for fifteen plus years, remarried a wonderful man. This man had two children who happened to attend the same Christian school that I had, and while I remember them, I don't remember interacting with them. Maybe because they were younger than me? I don't know. At any rate, I was chatting with my step-sister on one of my visits up north, and she told me that we had been in the same Chemistry class back in high school. Really? I have NO recollection of this. Anyway, she said that I stuck up for her when kids in the class were being mean, and that she's never forgotten it.
I find this astonishing for so many reasons. Not only do I have no memory of being her advocate, but I don't even remember being in the same class. And yet, I apparently did something that had a profoundly positive impact on her. Can you imagine if I'd been one of those kids who'd been mean to her, and then years later ended up being a part of her family?! Yikes.
Sadly, there was a time that I wasn't only mean to someone, but down right cruel. I was a senior at the time, and dating someone who chose to cheat on me with an underclassman. As would be expected of a teenager, I found solace in my girlfriends, who were more than ready to commiserate with me. So much so, that they hatched a plan to teach the girl a lesson. I listened as they plotted to grab her at lunch, carry her to the Senior Lawn, and shove a burrito in her face.
Oh my goodness. I feel sick to my stomach just typing that last paragraph, because that's exactly what they did ON MY BEHALF. The idea wasn't mine, and the act wasn't carried out by me, but did I say anything to stop my friends from doing it? No. I just watched them do their best to show support and loyalty to me, by humiliating someone else.
Oh for a DO-OVER.
Fast forward maybe five years, and this awful scene is still haunting me. I knew that the only way I would ever get some inner peace would be to apologize to her, but how? I no longer lived where I grew up and went to school, and the Internet was still developing so Google wasn't a thing. I think I may have called Information (4-1-1, remember that?) Whatever the case, I got her last known address, and wrote a heartfelt letter apologizing for not saying something all those years ago to keep that terrible act from being carried out. I told her that I didn't expect her to forgive me, but that if she could find it in her heart to do so, I would be forever grateful. I mailed the letter and waited. In the days ahead, I couldn't help but notice how much lighter my heart felt. It's amazing how freeing an apology can be. I knew I didn't deserve a reply or forgiveness, but that was okay. I did what I needed to do, and any response from her would just be icing on the cake.
Well, I did get a reply and a thick layer of icing to boot! She was beyond gracious, thanking me for my letter and saying that I must have grown into a godly woman to have sent such an apology. She excused the cruel behavior as kids just being kids, but thanked me for my letter and ended it with forgiveness and well wishes. WOW.
The sweet smell of forgiveness.
There's nothing else like it. Especially when you don't deserve it.
Note: I've wanted to share this story many times, but kept having second thoughts. Thoughts like why share it at all? What purpose would it serve? I finally decided that if by posting it, you are encouraged to apologize or ask forgiveness for something, then that's a good thing, right? And on the flip side, if you have been hurt or wronged by another, and are asked by that person to forgive them ... please extend forgiveness. It will not only bring healing to them, but to you as well.
After Megan's volleyball game, she and Amanda begged for a Mc Donald's ice cream cone.
Being the awesome mom that I am, and knowing there was a large iced tea in it for me, I drove to the nearest Mickey D's.
As I was being handed the cones, I saw that our drive-thru, rarely frequented by us, dumped right into a parking lot exit which was backed up with cars that were trying to merge onto a busy street at rush hour.
As we inched to the exit, I noticed that the parking lot drivers were being courteous and doing the "every other car takes a turn" deal.
Until it was MY turn.
NOW all of a sudden NO ONE will look my way. They all just look straight ahead as if completely unaware that there's a drive-thru AT ALL.
That's when I see another exit about 100 yards beyond the one I'm trying to merge into.
Excellent. If none of these Bozos will let me in their exit lane, CERTAINLY they won't care if I just cross in front of them to exit somewhere else, right?
WRONG.
Why are drivers SO LAME?! And selfish. Oh my WORD. SO. SELFISH.
I tried my best to get their attention by waving, yelling, and slowly moving forward.
THREE DRIVERS COMPLETELY IGNORED ME.
I realize now as I'm writing this, that three cars doesn't seem like a lot, but you have to understand that it was taking FOREVER to get onto the actual street from the parking lot, so THREE cars seemed like a GAZILLION cars.
So what is a calm and rational mom to do when her yelling and arm waving is getting her nowhere?
HONK. THE. HORN.
Oh yes, I did.
Thankfully, the driver of the car that I was about to t-bone, didn't pull out a gun. She just continued to stare straight ahead. As if THAT'S fooling anyone!!
Amanda: Mom! Control yourself!
Me: What?! They're all pretending to not see me, so I honked. All I want to do is cross in front of them, but they won't look over here so that I can show them with my arm signals that that's what I want to do!! What is WRONG with people?!?!? To the lady ignoring me: I DON'T WANT TO GET IN FRONT OF YOU!!! I JUST WANT TO CROSS OVER!!! SHEESH!!!
Amanda: Seriously, Mom. You have a problem.
Megan: Yeah, Mom. You're raging.
Me: Raging?! As in Road Rage?? OH BROTHER!! THIS is NOT Road Rage!! I JUST want to CROSS OVER!!!!!!
Amanda: You should have gone to church with me last night to hear Josh. He talked about how we're only focused on what's right in front of us, rather than everyone else around us that we could be helping.
Me:
Right about then, I see the next driver, waiting two whole car lengths back, to give this lunatic plenty of room to file in line.
I waved profusely as I tried to explain with my hands: See? I just wanted to CROSS OVER. I'M REALLY NOT A CRAZY PERSON!! THANK YOU NICE DRIVER MAN!!
Don't you know, the girls talked about Mom and her road rage all the way home.
All the way.
ALL OF IT.
I finally said, after realizing that they would never let me have my day in court, "You're welcome for the ice cream."
Then they tattled on me to their dad.
I protested. He laughed.
Whatever.
Last Sunday a friend from church asked me how my sister was doing. He had traveled with her in a music group 20 years ago, and saw that she had recently been out to California for a women's retreat and just wanted an update.
One subject lead to another, and before I knew it he was asking about my dad. Asking questions like if I saw him regularly even though he lives in Texas, or if we talk a lot on the phone? When I said, "No" to both questions, he apologized for prying. I assured him it was okay.
And it was okay, but the conversation got me thinking about my life and the choices we make. How we don't live in a vacuum, and that everything we do seems to affect someone else, whether we want to own that or not.
My dad chose to leave us when I was in first grade.
I realize that his decision making was tainted by alcoholism, but the ramifications of his choice to leave us reached far and wide. His vacancy has affected relationships I've had with others ever since. Always so afraid of being abandoned or discarded. Doing whatever necessary to keep someone from leaving me. Or better yet, keeping them at a safe distance so that it wouldn't hurt as bad when they DID leave.
I realize now how unhealthy that is, and I didn't really intend on sharing that when I started typing, but apparently I was supposed to. Perhaps it will give some insight to my current circle of friends ... DON'T LEAVE ME!!! Ha! Ha! Seriously though ... don't.
Alright. Back to what I originally thought was the point of this post ...
When my dad left, I'm sure he didn't think that one day he might enjoy having a relationship with me. I doubt he thought much about the future as far as it pertained to his three children. All he could see was the present, and how he wanted out to explore greener grass.
As for me, I never set out to hold a grudge toward my dad, and I honestly don't. I love him, and forgave him years ago. However, when you only talk to someone on the phone twice a year growing up (birthday and Christmas), it's pretty hard to keep a relationship going. Perhaps he wanted to call more often, but maybe didn't know what to say once he did call. So sad.
I think about my daughters and how blessed they are to have a dad in the home that loves them, and I see what joy they bring to him. My dad missed out on all of that, because of poor choices. And what's worse is that while I love my dad, we don't have a relationship. Not a real one anyway. And that wasn't intentional, it's just what happens when you don't spend time with someone.
So what I'm trying to say to you dads out there (and moms too, I suppose) is that if you're thinking about leaving your family, you really need to consider all of the consequences. Those you leave behind will be scarred forever. If they're believers, they'll have the Lord and His Holy Spirit to fill the void you leave, but their future will be ever altered thanks to your decision. And if you think that someday, after enough water has passed under the bridge, your kids will want to have a relationship with you, you might be sorely mistaken. And how sad would that be? My dad has NO IDEA how TRULY AWESOME I AM. I know that sounds silly and perhaps a tad bit conceited, but I do feel sorry for him. It's just one of the many consequences to the path he chose.
Now all that said, if you've already left your family, this piece is not meant to condemn. I sincerely hope that your scenario ends differently than ours did. God still does miracles.
