The TRUTH, and nothing but ... dang it.

You know how when you go to the doctor for a check-up, and they ask you if you exercise regularly and eat healthy how you tend to fudge the truth a little bit? You DO do that, right? Unless, of course, you're one of those people who actually DO eat healthy and exercise regularly.

In my defense, my annual check-up is always right after the holidays, so while I might eat sort of good during the rest of the year and exercise 4-5 times a week as well, by the time February hits, I've pretty much partaken of every holiday treat offered to me as well as use every excuse in the book for living in a vegetative state.

Not that it even matters, because the doctor scale and cholesterol tests always rat me out. Although, MY doctor's scale is exactly 10 pounds more than my home scale. And I'm not trying to be funny here. I believe it's a total and complete conspiracy: They weigh you FIRST, and THEN take your blood pressure. That's a sure fire way to put someone on meds for hypertension if I ever saw one.

Alright, so my eldest had to have a check-up the other day before starting junior high (JUNIOR HIGH?!?! AAAAAAHHHH!!!!) The medical assistant took her stats, and then started asking her about her diet.

I went numb. Someone should have warned me that kids have to answer these questions too! I mean, I had NO time to coach her on her answers before the appointment!! This meant that she might actually (gulp) tell the gal what she's been eating while mom and dad are away at work!!

I held my breath.

Medical Assistant: So what did you have for breakfast yesterday?

Daughter: A waffle with Nutella!

Okay, now the Nutella commercials claim that this is a good source of ... of ... something, right? Protein maybe? Or was that the sugar they were praising? Ugh.

M.A.: And for lunch?

Daughter: Red Vines and Gummy Bears.

M.A. repeating what she just heard - overly enunciated: RED. VINES. AND. GUMMY. BEARS. Okaaaay, how about dinner?

Daughter: Taco Bell!!!

M.A. looking at me with mild distain: And what did you have at Taco Bell?

Daughter: A Doritos' Taco & Mt. Dew Baja Blast Freeze!! Oh yeah!

At this point, I should have just run. 

M.A.: Alright, the nurse will be in for the exam and to talk to you about NUTRITION.

Which is exactly what happened. She talked about the need for more protein, fruits and vegetables, and I acted like this was the first time I'd heard anything about the concept of healthy eating. Seemed like the right thing to do.

The best part came later while she was performing the exam and my daughter exclaimed:  This is WEIRD.

Oh. My. Word. I wanted to hug her and shout: THANK YOU!! Thank you for declaring what the rest of us women only dare to think! IT IS WEIRD!! There's nothing natural about having a perfect stranger exam all that stuff!! YES!! Three cheers for just saying it like it is, honey!! Ha!!

At least the nurse acknowledged that the exam was, in fact, WEIRD.

After that, she received 3 shots without shedding one tear, and we were on our way ... to Jamba Juice for a Strawberry Surf Rider smoothie.

Hey ... there's fruit in those. I think.

5th Grade Taste Buds

The names in this post have been changed to protect the innocent. Well, not the innocent, really, just those whom I don't have permission to blog about.

Amanda and her friend Lacie came into my office today. Amanda was holding a tooth ...

Amanda: Mom, look. I pulled my tooth out.

Mom: That was fast.

Amanda: I know, like 2 days. Can I have a Kleenex?

Mom: Here, is it still bleeding?

Amanda: Yeah. I always think the blood tastes like gummy bears.

Mom: Really.

Lacie: Our friend Haley thinks blood tastes like candy corn.

Mom: Okaaay.

Did I miss something growing up, or is this a new thing? 'Cause I don't ever remember blood tasting like candy.

Orange Chicken Secret Recipe

One more Panda Express story.

While Amanda was eating her orange chicken ...

Amanda: Mmmmm. This chicken is soooo gooood.

Me: Oh yeah?

Amanda: Yeah. They must serenade it a long time to make it taste this good.

Me: You mean marinade.

Amanda: Huh?

Me: It's marinade, not serenade.

Amanda: Whatever.

Of course, I'm not Chinese, so what do I know? Maybe they DO serenade their orange chicken.

Dark Circles

Amanda while looking in the mirror: I hate these dark circles under my eyes.

Me: Dark circles are usually from lack of sleep.

Amanda: No, I've always had them.

Me: Well, they must not be that noticeable, because I've never noticed them before. Or maybe I'm just used to them.

Amanda: You mean like how dad's knees crack when he squats, but I don't notice that much anymore?

Me: Uh, yeah, I guess.

Amanda: Of course, he doesn't squat much any more.

Me: Right.

Panda with Amanda

It's pretty rare for me to have the opportunity to eat dinner with just one of my daughters, but that's exactly what happened last night.

Megan was with a friend, so Amanda & I headed straight for Panda Express!

The cool thing about being with just one daughter, is that there's no one fighting for my attention.

Well, no one fighting, period.

So Amanda just talked, and talked, and talked some more.

In fact, after about 10 minutes she looked up and said, "I talk a lot, don't I?"

I said, "That's okay. I know that someday you won't want to talk to me at all, so I'll take it while I can get it."

She thought that was ridiculous.

If only.

Profound Parenting

There are days that I just don't feel like parenting. Okay, MOST days I just don't feel like parenting, and it's on those days that I allow things to slide. Yesterday was one of those days ...


It was about 50 degrees when the girls and I left the house for church, but when I saw Megan walk out the door wearing flip-flops, I just looked the other way.

And when we were waiting for the communion elements to be passed out at the end of the service, and I looked next to me to see Megan pickin' at her bare toes, I just smiled like it was perfectly normal, reverent and sanitary.

Then later when we were in Henry's office and I saw Amanda looking longingly at the donut she'd thrown in the trash before the service,

I heard ...

Me: It's okay, you can still eat it. It's not touching anything gross.

Megan: The gum you spit out is on top of it.

Me: Well, yeah, but ...

Megan: Don't eat it Amanda! It has mom's slobbery gum on it!

Amanda: There's no slobber.

Me: Yeah, Megan. My gum doesn't have slobber on it.

Amanda: I'm eating it.

Me: You should.

And she did!! My daughter ate a donut OUT OF THE TRASH, because I encouraged her to!!

That Mother of the Year award is mine for the taking. I can feel it.

"Shaving"

Who are these people who create game apps for the iPods and such? They're either total freaks or complete geniuses ...



Amanda: Check out my new app, Shave Me.

Me: Shave Me?

Amanda: Yeah, watch.

She proceeded to put virtual shaving cream on a hairy face, then "shaved" it by rubbing her fingers over the touch screen.

Then to my horror, she rubbed even more, until the "face" started to bleed!!

Amanda: It's okay, because thankfully they came up with this! Tissue to stop the bleeding!!

And sure enough, she covered all the fake blood with fake tissue and was quite satisfied.

Amanda: I also got the app Hair Plucker, Nose Edition!!

Will the fun never end?

Holy Mother of Pearl!

Combing out Amanda's hair is NEVER fun. Tangles GALORE!

As the girls were getting ready for school one morning, and I was combing out Amanda's hair, the comb caught a knot which resulted in ...

Amanda: Holy Mother of PEARL!!!

I paused to not only let her catch her breath, but to try and register what she'd just said. But before I could comment ...

Megan turned around so her behind was directed at us, and then while bobbing up and down with her knees bent, and rubbing her hands on her bottom, she yells: FIRE ON THE POOP-DECK!!

Me: What in the WORLD are you two saying?!

They laughed and laughed and laughed at their inside joke. Then finally had mercy and let me in on their odd word exchange.

Yeah. I should have known they were reciting a scene from Sponge Bob Square Pants.

Totally Worth It

For MONTHS leading up to Christmas, all the girls talked about was how they each were hoping for an iPod Touch. We explained that if we were able to swing it, they likely wouldn't get any other gifts from us. They assured us that would be a-okay. Well, sort of ...

Amanda: But we'll still get stuff in our stockings, right?


Me: Probably.


Megan: And Santa will still bring us gifts, right?


Seriously?! Last year they stop believing in Santa, but now that gifts are on the line, he's back in their lives? Great.

Me: I guess we'll have to wait and see.


Well, thanks to Target, we were able to purchase the iPods, and receive $80 in store gift cards to purchase what we needed to from Santa! Pretty cool, I'd say.

But what's even MORE cool than THAT?!

LEVERAGE!!


That's right. One of the girls {I won't say which one} lost her iPod privileges for an evening as punishment for defiance, and she cried more over that, than any spanking she's ever received.

Merry Christmas to ME!

Soccer vs. Sweat

The girls participated in soccer camp this week. After the 3rd day, both girls were hooked. Sort of.

Megan: I looooove soccer! I don't want it to end!

Me: How 'bout you Amanda?

Amanda: I like it, but I don't think I will play soccer during the school year.

Me: Oh? Why is that?

Amanda: I sweat like crazy, and I don't like to sweat.

Me: No, you don't.

On the last day, the soccer players got to go inside the gym and see what the cheerleaders had learned during the week. My girls have participated in cheer clinics before, so I was curious to get their take on soccer vs. cheer.

Me: What did you think of the cheerleaders today?

Megan: Good.

Me: Next year would you rather do cheer or soccer?

Megan: SOCCER!

Amanada: CHEER!

Me: Why cheer, Amanda?

Amanda: Because none of them looked like they had sweat AT ALL.

Me: Sweat. Right.

We live in Fresno. How do I break it to her that sweat is just a part of life here from like May to November?

Mother Knows Best. No, REALLY.

It's summer, and in Fresno that means 100+ degree temps. When I first moved here in July of 1989, and for at least 2 summers after that, I wore socks and loafers all throughout the blistering hot months. I kept looking longingly at my sandal-clad friends, but in my opinion, my feet were not socially acceptable. My toes are longer than I'd like them to be ... not freakishly long, just not cute and stubby. Anyway! One day someone pointed out the fact that most models have super-ugly feet, and they expose their hoofs on a regular basis on the runway, at premiers, etc. After that, I started noticing model's feet in magazines, and on TV, and guess what? My feet were starting to look pretty good! Attractive even!! That was all it took to free me at last!! And I can now proudly say: I WEAR SANDALS IN THE SUMMER, AND SOMETIMES EVEN IN THE WINTER!! Yay for me!!

Okay ... so what does that have to do with mother knowing best? So glad you asked.

Last night my girls and I were getting ready to meet some friends for a dinner/dessert birthday celebration.

Megan chose to wear a sundress with gold flats.

I wore capris with a light-weight-blousey-shirt-thing, and flip-flops (!)

Amanda came out of her room wearing a short-sleeved shirt, with a matching SCARF, skinny JEANS, and imitation Ugg BOOTS!!!

Amanda: Mom, does this look okay?

Me: Uh, yeah, but it's like 100 degrees outside.

Amanda: I feel fine.

Me: Well, it is a little cooler in the house than it is outside. You might want to put on something more light-weight.

Amanda: Nah, this is fine.

Me: Okaaaay.

We get to the restaurant, Amanda steps outside the vehicle ...

Amanda: Uh, Mom, can we go home? I think I need to change. I'm way too hot in this.

Me: Did I not say you would be hot in that?

Amanda: So can we go home?

Me: Uh, that would be a big N-O.

Later that evening, after walking to the ice cream shop (which was across the parking lot from the restaurant), the girls realized they needed to find a "little girl's room". Once inside, Amanda could hardly peel her skinny jeans off of her sweaty legs.

Amanda: WHY did I WEAR these JEANS?!?

Me: Good question. And how are your feet doin' in those boots?

Amanda: They're soooo HOT!!!

Me: You don't say.

Skinny Dipping

Amanda: Mom, my friend at school said she's been swimming naked before.

Me: Oh really?

Amanda: Yeah, and she had a name for it, but I can't remember it.

Me: Skinny Dipping?

Amanda: That's it, Skinny Dipping! Sounds gross to me.

Megan: I wanna' go Skinny Dipping!

Me: I'm shocked.

Heel Tastic

I took the girls to a mall by Grandma Judi's house today. We had barely departed Nordstrom when I saw the store of Amanda's dreams:

AS SEEN ON TV

I pointed it out to Amanda.

Amanda: No way!!

Me: Should we go in?

Amanda: Of course we should go in!!

Me: Let's go!!

Once inside, Amanda kept pointing out items from her favorite commercials. I'm telling you, this girl was like a kid in a candy store.

Me: Hey Amanda, look! It's Heel Tastic.

Amanda: Oh my goodness, you should totally get that.

Megan: Get what?

Amanda: Heel Tastic, mom could so use that stuff.

Me: Hey now.

Amanda: Well, it's true.

Me: I know. Sigh.

Back Seat Driver

Amanda: Mom, what are those bumps in the road?

Me: Reflectors.

Amanda: Why are they there?

Me: So you know where your lane ends and the other one begins. They're bumpy so that if your tire hits them, it will alert you to the fact that you're driving into the other lane, and you better get back over into yours.

Amanda: You do that a LOT.

Crocs & Costco

Made a trip to Costco tonight. Before getting in the car, Amanda discovered a bag of shoes in the garage. Shoes that no longer fit her. Hence the GARAGE.

She was perfectly fine wearing her turquoise flips, until she spotted the pink Crocs! She grabbed them quickly on her way to the car ...

Amanda: Mom, do you think I should wear my turquoise flip-flops or my pink Crocs?

Me: The Crocs don't fit you anymore.

Amanda: Yes, they do.

Me: No, they don't.

Amanda: They DO.

Me: Then wear those.

Amanda: Megan, which shoes do YOU think I should wear?

Megan: The pink (Crocs).

Amanda: Dad, do you think I should wear the pink Crocs or the turquoise flip-flops?

Henry: I don't care.

Me: Megan & I already said the pink Crocs, so why are you asking Dad?

Amanda: Because I want to know what he thinks.

Me: Fine. I changed my mind. Wear the turquoise (flip-flops).

Megan: Tur-QUOISE! Tur-QUOISE! Tur-QUOISE!

Amanda puts on the pink Crocs. We pull into Costco's parking lot, Amanda gets out of the car and then switches to her turquoise flips.

Me: Seriously?

Amanda: I just remembered; Crocs make my feet all sweaty.

OH MY WORD!!

My trash, their treasure.

School's been out a week for my girls. The school's business office, where I'm employed, is still open. So yesterday morning they were hanging around while I tried to get work done. I finally realized that I should try to come up with a "job" of some sort to keep them occupied. I found some binders that contained useless information and asked Amanda to empty the contents into the trash. Instead of putting them in the trash, however, I saw her making a stack on my bookshelf.

Me: What are you doing?

Amanda: Cleaning out your binders.

Me: I mean with the paper. Why aren't you putting it in the trash?

Amanda: Because I'm going to keep it.

Me: What?

Amanda: I want to play school with it at home.

Me: It's TRASH. If there's something we DON'T need at our house, it's more paper.

Just then Megan walks up and starts rummaging through my recycling bin.

Me: And what do you think YOU'RE doing?

Megan: Looking for envelopes.

Me: Why?

Megan: I want to fill them with mail for you.

Me: All of that is in the trash for a REASON. I don't need it. I don't want it. It's TRASH.

I then look over at Amanda's stack to see that it's now 12 inches high.

Me: And just how do you think you're going to carry all of that to the car?

Amanda: With my arms. Hello?

Me: Ugh!

Megan finds what she wants and asks if she can borrow my staple remover.

Me: Why do you need my staple remover?

Megan: Because there are some old staples in the bulletin boards that don't have paper on them.

Me: So?

Megan: I'm gonna' start collecting old staples.

Me: Of course you are.

What's next? Dryer lint? Fingernail clippings? I mean really, the possibilities for useless crap that could be "collected" are ENDLESS!!

Ready, Set, GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY!!

I think I've mentioned before that my oldest daughter, Amanda, is an infomercial addict. She doesn't channel surf for cartoons, but rather for 30 minutes of heavy product pushing.

A week or more ago, I had a weak moment. I think it must have been an hour or so before dinner time on a Saturday, and realizing I'd have to cook AGAIN in a few minutes (and by "cook" I mean "warm up"), I found myself swept away by Cathy Mitchell's infomercial for her Redi Set Go meal maker gadget. I wouldn't have even thought twice about it, except they did that, we'll throw in an extra one FREE if you call in the next 26 minutes ... all you'll have to pay for is the extra shipping thing. Well, that plus the fact that Amanda was sitting next to me saying things like:

"We could totally use one of those things, Mom."

"You know why we need one? Because you hate to cook, and those meals only take 7 minutes!"

"Look! They'll even give you Cathy's recipes for $1.00 meals."

"Wow! You can cook steak in that thing! And you know how much I loooove steak."

"You work so hard all day, Mom. Why wouldn't you want one of those?"

Okay, so I wrote down the phone number and Amanda asked, "What are you doing?"

I said, "I'm gonna' order that thing."

Well, you wouldda' thought it was Christmas or something. Amanda proceeded to dance around singing some song about how we were getting a Redi Set Go machine, and how much better life would be because of it.

Fast forward 7-10 business days ...

The box arrives. We take the contents out and display them on the kitchen table.

Megan picks up the recipe book and turns it over to see creator Cathy Mitchell's photo on the back.

Megan: "Mom, she looks like she wants to take all your money."

Me: "She does, and she has."

The postage was almost as much as the "one" product itself. Don't judge me. My kids hafta eat.

Lip Therapy

Tonight after I'd tucked Amanda into bed, she asked if I could hand her the Lip Therapy. Lip Therapy, for those of you who don't know, is a small tube of cherry flavored Vasaline. Amanda's lips were chapped, and only Lip Therapy would do.

Amanda: Why would they name it "Lip Therapy".

Me: Because it helps your lips feel better?

Amanda: Yeah, but it's not like it stretches your lips.

Me: You want your lips stretched?

Amanda: No, but isn't that what therapy is for? Stretching?

Me: Oh! You mean like physical therapy?

Amanda: Yeah.

Me: Yes, sometimes physical therapy involves stretching. I'm surprised you even tried this stuff if you thought there was any chance that your lips might be stretched in the process.

Amanda: I know. They really need to change the name.

Cold Stone Creamery Cakes by Amanda

Amanda was feeling crafty, and decided to make her own
Cold Stone Creamery Cake menu ...

Devil's Food Cake

Color Wonder Cake

Mountain's Majesty Cake

Garden Fever Cake

Strawberry Short Cake

Pretty in Pink Cake

(colored in purple)

Book Lovers Cake

A Christian's Favorite Cake

They're all great. So which ever one you choose, you'll be happy! :)

Things I Never Thought I'd Hear

Amanda (channel surfing): Let's see if there's an infomercial on that we can watch.

Seriously? Who actually seeks out infomercials?

Amanda (still channel surfing): Dragnet! Cool, let's watch that!

How old are you, 30?

Amanda: It's much harder to burn calories than eat them. I have found that out.

It's cruel the way that works.

Amanda: Did you know that baboons have been known to drive tractors on farms? They've also been known to steal fruit. And they're man's closest cousin because they have thumbs. Oh, and if 2 baboons have a fight, the way they make up with each other is they pick ticks off of each other and comb the other one's fur. That's the weirdest kind of apology I've EVER heard of.

(All said in one breath.)

Megan: Do I have to wear underwear?

Do I have to answer that?

Megan: I want to make fruit punch. Should I use the "throw-up" bowl to mix it in?

I give up.